On the Waterfront (1954)

Title: 'On the Waterfront'
Genre: Old school AFI classic (drama)
Rating: 7/10

This movie is not that big of a fucking deal. Between this and 'Rear Window' (1954) I wish everyone would just calm the fuck down. Maybe it was the best thing going at the time, but you can't still include it at #8 of all time. That's retarded. They've obviously got some fucked up criteria. i.e. 'Star Wars' (1977) is on the list, but 'The Empire Strikes Back' (1980) doesn't get a mention, even though it's widely recognized as the opus of the trilogy. I guess they thought they were covering the whole mess with one mention. You know that's gonna end in tears for someone. But this movie is subpar even for 1954.

I was watching a 'restored' copy and the sound was terrible. The levels jumped all over the place from cut to cut. Like, in one scene there'd be 6 shots that had location dialogue and 6 that were obviously ADR or recorded in studio. All blended together as seemlessly as a frickin' prison quilt. Like so:

(low ambiance) Terry: You know, I seen you a lot of times before. Remember parochial school out on Paluski Street? Seven, eight years ago. Your hair, you had your hair uh...
(silence, studio...) Edie: Braids.
(In your face 40 mph wind) Terry: Looked like a hunk of rope. And you had wires on your teeth and glasses and everything. You was really a mess.

Marlon Brando is real good in his role as Terry. But, he'd better be. I figured that was the only reason this movie was in the top 10 of all time. But he had this eye-makeup on the whole time that was so friggin' distracting. He looked like a hungover Tutankhamen.


You know what I realized though? Brando is like that kid in High School who always kinda brushed you off in a way that made you wanna suck up to them more so you could be on their level, a cool kid looking down at the normies. He's been running that God damn racket from 'Streetcar Named Desire' (1951) through 'The Score' (2001). He's a smarmy asshole in just about everything.

Don't get me wrong, the guy can deliver a line like fuckin' Zeus.

'You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charley.'

When you read that line, you hear Brando's voice all up in your mailbox. I'm just saying that the 'too cool for school' attitude contributed to his legendary persona on top of all that raw talent. Also, it sucks that I'm gonna be picturing the retarded eye-makeup everytime I hear that line from this point forward. Criminey, the restoration of the sound is the worst ever, but you took extra time on Marlon's Mascara? Jerks.

Maybe the 8th place of all time has to do with the director, Elia Kazan? So someone clue me in on his deal. All I know of him is the hullabaloo caused over his honorary 1999 Oscar. Remember how people were pissed 'cause in 1952 he helped name a crapboat full'a people who got blacklisted. Remember how a bunch of the actors stayed seated? Way to protest there, Warren Beatty. Stay in your friggin' seat for 10 seconds. How's that for passive resistance? In your face, Ghandi!

Maybe there's some political context I'm missing out on. Was this film a bid deal because it was about a stool-pigeon as directed by a stool pigeon? This shit is for grown-ups and capricious film students.

I feel like I've been coming down on movies too hard lately. Too bad. They've all been lame. Here's looking to the next good'un though. It'll be that much sweeter when it crosses my path.

Judgment: Eh.... So, so.

Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Title: 'Eight Legged Freaks' (2002)
Genre: Giant bugs eat your face
Rating: 6/10

It's a well known fact that special effects alone cannot save a movie. It's all about the story, dummy. But are there films whose effects alone are the cornerstone of the story? And what happens when those effects are... Subpar?

Behold! I have found the film that is the exception to the rule! And, lo, he stood on the precipice and thrust it henceforth from folded cloth. And the masses stood still, gazing upward at that which he'eth holden. And did cry out, in manner of suffering, 'Wrest this taint from mine eyes, foul stranger! What havest we done to deserve such torment?'. And lo, he did withdraw it into the fold of his tunic, but only after he felt he hath made his point, and the small children had broketh into tears.

When you watch and older movie like 'The Birds' (1963) or 'Godzilla' (1954), the special effects aren't a problem. Later movies like 'Tron' (1982) or 'Gremlins' (1986)? Still good. But there are some bad fx movies out there, 'Blade Trinity' (2004), 'Garfield' (2004) are two recent examples. Hence the general consensus that 'effects alone do not a movie make'.

There's also the 'Uncanny Valley' principle, 'The Uncanny Valley is a principle of robotics concerning the emotional response of humans to robots and other non-human entities. It was theorized by Japanese roboticist Masahiro Mori in the late 1970s through psychological experiments in which he measured human response to robots of varying degrees of anthropomorphism. The principle states that as a robot is made more humanlike in its appearance and motion the emotional response from a human being to robot will become increasingly positive and empathic, until a point is reached at which the response suddenly becomes strongly repulsive; as the appearance and motion are made to be indistinguishable to that of human being, the emotional response becomes positive once more and approaches human-human empathy levels.'

Let's put this to the test with a couple of screenshots. One from the movie 'Tremors' (1990), and another from this movie, 'Eight Legged Freaks'. First, 'Tremors':


Just a big ole' rubbery wormy puppet, painted with some glossy paint and drug through the dirt. Very effective. This is one of my favorite movies. The Budget was pretty small for a movie of this genre ($10,000,000) and it made the producers quite a bit of money. That was the kind of quality I was expecting out of 'Eight Legged Freaks'. But alas: ...


As you can see, they decided to go with some fancy 'computer generated' spiders. Which kicked their budget up to $30,000,000. Some people may like the computer critters. George Lucas has built a dynasty out of this. But when you put these two movies side by side, I'm gonna have to stick with 'Tremors'. Maybe those spiders fall into the 'Uncanny Valley' we addressed earlier. I just didn't buy it. I knew that those actors were just reacting to thin air, and with crummy dialogue to boot. But when the actors reacted in 'Tremors', you knew it was to a good, honest, chunk of slimy rubber. And, although the dialogue was equally crummy, it was still awesome. Also, I was only thirteen and not quite as jaded.

Judgment: Unless you are high and/or have an extra chromosone, stay away from this movie.

Solaris (2002)

Title: 'Solaris' (2002)
Genre: Captains Log. Stardate: 41780.2
Rating 7/10

I never saw the original 'Solyaris' (1972), is it super awesome? I guess it had to be to warrant a remake, right? I haven't seen it, but, I kinda get the feeling that it was awesome because it was artsy and abstract. So, Hollywood decided to update it... Without the Artsy and Abstract bits. That sounds like something they would do. Hollywood, you so craaaazy.

Because, without the occasional film-quality star nebula shot. This movie doesn't feel like anything more than a decent 'Star Trek' episode, only with more bare Clooney ass and less Wesley Crusher.

But, *ahem* I kinda enjoyed it. You have to be patient with it for about 20 minutes until they toss the hook out. But once it's rolling it's good times. But then it all ends too soon. I guess the thinking was 'We can't have an art movie go over 100 minutes.', except they forgot that they'd taken all the arty bits out. So, it's like you're cruisin' down the highway having a good time... and you accidentally take the wrong exit, and then you're done. There is no on-ramp. No more highway for you. Good day, sir. Please, get off our porch.
Sincerley,
20th Century Fox

Jerks. That's a shame, because Soderbergh is actually a really decent director. 'The Limey' (1999), 'Traffic' (2000)... They shoulda given him a little more rope. On top of all that, James 'I'm King of the World' Cameron produced this sum'bitch. So, I ask you, where are the s'plosions? I implore, where is the big mamma jamma artillary?

Judgement: Don't go out of your way

Crash (2004)

Title: 'Crash' (2004)
Genre: Rad Drama
Rating: 8.5/10

So, before we go any further, let's clarify that this isn't that fucked up Canadian movie of the same title from '96 about the stupidest sexual deviancy ever since Adam and Eve got into that whole fruit fiasco. The older movie involved blood, semen and transmission fluid. That's the one that, shockingly, starred James Spader and Holly Hunter. Stupid enough to be remembered in a way that makes you steer clear. I think that they made the title, 'Crash', forever bad for box office. And let's not forget the incredible acting range of James Spader. Intense/creepy, intense/obsessed, intense/contemptuous, intense/creep... Shit. About as much range as Foster Farms. Get your taint off my movie title! 'Cause this is a good'un.

This 'Crash' has a friggin' amazing ensemble cast. Put on your shades, here we go... Don Cheadle (always A+ work), Ryan Phillippe (pretty boy makes good), Tony Danza (who knew he could act? He's almost unrecognizable), Ludacris (see Tony Danza), Marina Sirtis (the Psychic gal from Star Trek, see Ludacris), Lorenz Tate, Terrence Howard, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Esposito, (if you don't know those names now, this is the kind of movie that'll get them work and make'em famous). The Fucking Drugstore Cowboy himself, Matt Dillon (we don't see enough of him, he rocks it like Jimmy Page). On the flip side we have Sandra Bullock and Brandon Frasier. Get this... I heard, from a trusted friend at Lions Gate Films, that if you hold up a black light to the screen during any of Bullock's or Frasier's scenes, they have Give Me an Oscar written all big and bold on their foreheads.

So, instead of people getting their jolly rodgers off on crashing their Buick Legacies into brick walls, this movie is about race and racism. And it is really, really well done. You're given the opportunity to see things from everyone's point of view, and it is pretty ugly. All of the characters have faults, which make them even more accessible to assholes like you and me. Except for the middle eastern people, they seem to be extra specially of the asshole elite. Seriously, it wasn't just me, it was the writing, yeah? That dude was a dickbag. But, like I said, they're all fucknards to some extent. But, for reals, the middle eastern dude, Count Crapula, right? Fucking A, right. I don't know why I'm even asking.

Matt Dillon eschews every scene that he's in. It's like the background of the shot gets peeled away and hung up like a hammock, and he's just kinda kickin' back, eating the other actors like peeled grapes. Swingin' in the breeze and scratchin' his balls, if he feels the need.

I knocked a slice off the rating because they made it snow in L.A.. That's just retarded. At first they're like 'Look! It's starting to snow! For Reals!'
And you're all, 'Man, don't even. I was about to give you the friggin' award already, don't make it snow. That's so desperate. Awwwwww, come on. Don't be a retard.'
But then they're like, 'Dude, we gotcha! It's totally not snowing! HaHA!'

And you're super stoked, 'Phew. Yeah buddy! You totally had me. Sweet Baby Jesus, now I wanna give you this award even more. Holy crap. Let's go get a drink'.
And, just as you're getting your keys, they say, 'Ummmm. Here's some snow.'
But this time you double check, cause you don't trust 'em so much. But it's fucking snowing for real! In LA! 'Fuck, man. Why the...?' But, by the time you've finished your sentence, they've cut a huge fart and run outta the room.

Let's set that aside. The movie itself is like, if 'Magnolia' (1999) and 'Traffic' (2000) blew a baby out of their cervix. I was just thinking the other day how much I would pay to see 15 extra minutes of 'Full Metal Jacket' (1987) bootcamp scenes, or more 'Trainspotting' (1996, which, I hear, is on the way in another decade). Well this is kinda like that. I love 'Traffic' and 'Magnolia', and this certainly feels like it's one of the family. If that's not an endorsement, I don't know what else I can tell you... How about, 'Get off'a my fuckin' website'.

Recommended.

Rear Window (1954)

Title: 'Rear Window' (1954)
Genre: Hitchcock & Stewart
Rating: 6/10

This movie is ranked #16 on imdb.coms top 250. It is ranked #42 on AFI's Greatest America Movies of All Time. If I had a list, I'd like to think there would be some rhyme and reason to it. So, I don't know who send this conciliatory letter too, but, Rear Window? My rear end.

How this movie ended up as some kind of cinematic event is beyond me. It must have been a super slow year, right?... I just did some homework, and, newswise it was pretty slow: The French were busy getting their asses handed to them by Vietnam (yawn... somebody flip the record, it's skipping), and, Stateside, segregation was ended in the public schools. I'd rate that a moderately slow news year... But, still, you had a brand new 'I Love Lucy' episode to come home to every week, and you were totally rocking out to 'Mr. Sandman' and 'Sh-boom' on the jukebox.

On top of all that, 'Rear Window' wasn't exactly the only choice at the theater. Get this! If you want to get your heart racing: '20000 Leagues Under The Sea', 'Creature From The Black Lagoon', and 'Them' with those fuckin' freaky deaky ants. I'm not so sure people were into the Japanese pop scene, but you also had 'Godzilla' all up in your giblets and 'The Seven Samurai'. If it was drama you crave then get your ass to 'The Caine Mutiny' or 'On the Waterfront' for Fuck's sake! And for the ladies, get yer hanky out for 'Sabrina' and 'Seven Brides For Seven Brothers'. Holy Monkey! Even Hitchcock had another movie out that year, 'Dial M for Murder'. Did the man himself think 'Rear Window' was gonna tank? It doesn't matter! Pleeeaaase send me an everlovin' timecapsule that explains why you made 'Rear Window' s'plode with box office money.

This movie is like 'The Village' (2004), in that you're thinking 'this is retarded' but, 'there's gonna be a twist that makes this fucker worthwhile... There'd better be a twist... Son of a fuckin' whiskeyfart. It's over? Seriously? WhooooooreBaaaaaaaaag!'

Only, unlike 'The Village' this entire movie takes place in one room. So on top of everything else, you're thinking 'let me out, lemme out, out, out... You, nuthair, please, let me go.' But then Grace Kelly shows up for a bit, so you manage to make it to the end of the film. But just barely, seriously, you feel like Ali looked when he finally dropped Foreman in '74.

I'm gonna contribute some of this pain to the absence of composer Bernard Herrmann. The guy didn't partner up with Hitchcock till '55. But is responsible for half of any Hitchcockian success. Can you imagine 'Psycho' (1960) without that stabbing 'Reeeee! Reeee! Reeee!'. Herrmann is the real fucking deal. Hitchcock's flame would have been pissed away faster than a pubic hair without the aid of Herrmann. Go listen to a few samples. Everyone knows this except for you, don't be a dumbass. The music in 'Rear Window' makes me wanna wear sock-suspenders and Y-fronts.

There was a documentary special on the DVD that had all kinds of people going off about what a maestro Hitchcock was. People like Peter Bogdanovich who is supposed to be some kind of cinematic wunderkind, but has only ever made one good movie,
'The Last Picture Show' (1971) and even then, he screwed up by fooling around with his starlet, Cybill Shepherd, who grew up to be more annoying than earwax. He goes on to talk about what 'a master of subtlety' and 'technical genius' Hitchcock was.

What? Dude. What? Technical Genius? They built an entire city block indoors for this 'technical genius'. The guy can't figure out how to shoot a camera outside? And it still looks like a off-brodway production of 'Rent'. You've gotta be kidding me. If Hitchcock is a technical genius, I'm an authorized Maytag repairman.

Judgement: Stupid. Go see a Herrmann/Hitchcock movie, like 'Psycho' or 'Vertigo' (1958)...

The Village (2004)

Title: 'The Village' (2004)
Genre: The descent of Shamahilyanoran... a hey... a hey hey. (Step 3)
Rating: --/10

Fuck. If he can't be bothered to make a friggin' movie. I can't be bothered to review whatever it was that I just saw. I mean, for the lov'a film school, you've at least gotta have a 2nd and 3rd act. Right? Did I miss something?

Dear Mr. Shamaranalayianon,

Here are the basics:



The front edge of the slope represents the exposition and rising action. The apex or peak of the triangle represents the climax, and the steeper, trailing edge represents the denouement (or falling action) followed by the resolution.

This is pointless. I mean how are they gonna market your upcoming mermaid film anyway? 'From the acclaimed director of 'Signs' and 'The Village'? It's been almost 7 years since your one-hit-wonder. Admittedly, you pulled off that whole super-secret twist ending pretty durn well. But I figured out the 'ending' to this one half-way through the teaser trailer. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this was an old Twilight Zone episode to begin with. What am I saying? There was no 'ending'. Is that the secret?

As a test, I put my seismograph on top of my television. I set 'The Village' to loop on my DVD player throughout the night. As I woke the next morning, this is what I found:



For reals. No rising action. No Denouement. And I'm pretty sure that one bump is from my goldfish jumping out of its bowl.

Please stop.

Judgment: Suck

Double Idemnity (1944)

Title: 'Double Indemnity' (1944)
Genre: Definitive Film Noir
Rating: 8.75

What's 'Double Indemnity'? A clause in your insurance, Baby. Pays more for the kind of accidents that almost never happen. Like dying on a train.

Think I sound smart, eh, baby? Maybe too smart. I'm an insurance salesmen by trade. What kinds? All kinds. Fire, earthquake, theft, public liability, group insurance, industrial stuff, and so on right down the line. Accident insurance? Sure, what did you have in mind? You like the sound of that, huh? Well, let's see if you can carry that idea into the next paragraph.

But look, see, if you get busted setting up to collect on your husband it's straight to Sing Sing. Sure, I've got good eyesight. You mean you want him to have the policy without him knowing it. And that means without the insurance company knowing that he doesn't know it. That's the setup, isn't it?

Whaddya think I was anyway? A guy that walks into a good-looking dame's front parlor and says, 'Good afternoon. I sell accident insurance on husbands. Have you got one that's been around too long? One you'd like to turn into a little hard cash? Just give me a smile and I'll help you collect?' Huh! Boy, what a dope you must think I am!

They'll hang you as soon as ten dimes'll get you a dollar. And I don't wan't you to hang, Baby. Look darlin', you wanted a review so I wrote one up. Is that an excuse for any trouble? What's that? You say you're from Berkeley? Well, we're not in Berkeley now, we're in a hurry.

Slow down? That's cute, say it again. I need a drink, I always think I can spell it out like they'll understand. Guess I was wrong, I'm not smarter, just a little taller.

---

You get the idea, yeah? Everytime these characters open their mouths, little nuggets of solid gold shoot out and start bouncin' off the friggin' walls. Duck and cover, a lump of 24 karat awesome straight to the temple can take you out fast and hard, permanent likes.

Fred MacMurray went on to play the professor in 'A Shaggy Dog' (1959). Which is kinda like when Disney cast Jodie Foster as an irresistible tomboy in 'Candleshoe' (1977) right after her turn as an underage prostitute in 'Taxi Driver' (1976).

The remake of 'Shaggy Dog' comes out this year. With Tim Allen taking over the lead role. It's a shame he doen't have any shady history to continue this tradition.


*Ahem* Anyways, this movie was hotter than Brazil and with the machismo to match. Solid performances, beautifully shot, amazing dialogue. I guess it's based on an actual case where the two people involved were caught, arrested and electrocuted at Sing Sing prison. A journalist managed to snap a picture of the lovely lady's body smoking in the electric chair. The next day it was on the front page of all the newspapers, nationwide. The public interest was still there when this movie premiered, 15 years later.

They actually shot another ending with an electric chair scene, an all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet... But decided to cut it. That would have been sicker than the West Nile. But I can't say I don't like the ending as is. Let it be.

This movie is aces. Straight down the line.

Recommended.

PSA: Start Complaining

I find the theater owners claims very dubious, but please read (from imdb.com news):

--
Few Protests Over Theater Ads, Say Movie Chains

Despite numerous published commentaries of late about how movie theater ads are driving away patrons, exhibitors maintain that they have received few complaints from the public about them and that many moviegoers actually like them. Pam Blase, a spokeswoman for AMC Entertainment, which operates the country's second-largest movie chain, told the Houston Chronicle that the chain receives one complaint for every 600,000 guests. Terrell Falk of Cinemark USA, the nation's third-largest chain, added that recent research concluded that filmgoers regard ads as "just part of the experience." His remarks were echoed by Jim Kozak, editor-in-chief of In Focus, the magazine of the National Association of Theater Owners. "When [patrons] get there early to get a really good seat, they like to have something to keep them busy, something to do besides talk to the person they came with."
--



Really? Please join me in wishing a heartfelt 'Fuck You' to 'Jim Kozak, editor-in-chief of In Focus, the magazine of the National Association of Theater Owners'.

United Artist theaters are the principal offenders of this idiocy. They play, 'The Twenty' (20 minutes of advertisements), at full volume, making conversation with your friends not 'a choice', but 'not an option'. Assfucks. And, as 'The Twenty' wraps up, just before the 15 minutes of often unbearable movie trailers, they declare "If you missed any part of 'The Twenty', be sure to show up earlier next time". For reals. This is a good time for you to impress your date. Get up from your seat and make a complaint. If you really want to impress her, make an announcement to the audience, 'Hey, I'm heading to the box office to complain. Anyone wanna join me?'. Rally 'em like Bluto, "What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man!" United Artists, dead! AMC... Then watch everyone get behind you, like those people on the subway train in 'Spiderman 2' (2003). Bust some chops!!! This ain't a game.

Please, for the lov'a rationality.

AMC is starting this trend too, so far they haven't been playing the commercials quite as loud as UA. But it is only going to get louder unless you throw a bit of a wobbler. Do it for common decency. Do it for your children. This isn't anything that involves paperwork, just a quick walk to the lobby and a brief ventilation of your contempt.

Dude, they're totally smothering YOUR TIME. You could be chatting up your date, swapping trivia, swapping spit, winning an argument, making fun of the guy behind you, whining about the cost of a Pepsi. This is never going to happen again unless you make a complaint.

On top of making a complaint at the theater please visit CaptiveAudience.org

This website is not a free pass from making a physical complaint, just a little butter on top of the bread.
You are so worth it.


(Thanks to Zoe and Colin for their contributions to this post)

The Human Stain (2004)

Title: 'The Human Stain' (2004)
Genre: Oscar attempt
Rating: 6.5/10

This movie is more disjointed than Evel Knievel after he tried to jump those 13 Pepsi delivery trucks. And dude, that mofo has 35 broken bones. For reals. I don't know what the fuck happened. It's like they tried to put every theme of any movie that has ever won an oscar into 105 minutes of train-wreckery. Racism (Monster's Ball), death (The Sea Inside), family conflict ('The Godfather'), institutional nutjobs ('Cuckoo's Nest') , Ivy league school drama (Good Will Hunting), blind-siding plot twists ('The Crying Game'), etc. and so forth. Even with Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman, Gary Sinese and Ed Harris, you're still gonna fuck it up.

The plot summary on the DVD case reads something like this:

Coleman Silk (Hopkins), is a professor with a terrible secret that he has kept for 50 years, when that secret is revealed, it will ruin his entire life.'

That secret is so ri-goddamn-diculous. I can't stand it. No spoilers though, right? Fuck it. Save yourself from this movie. If you want to know that terrible secret, highlight the blank space below this sentence.

Anthony Hopkins is a black guy passing it off like he's a white guy

I'm dead serious. On top of that, Nicole Kidman plays her most unlikable role since 'The Stepford Wives' (2004) while Ed Harris' character feels like he was dropped into the plot on a whim, then was written into a bigger role that was kinda slopped all over the existing screenplay like mayonnaise at a greasy spoon diner. Anthony Hopkins is just there for the paycheck, and Gary Sinese has the same expression on his face the whole time... Like he just walked in on his parents knockin' boots, but the show must go on.

This whole thing was a huge mess. I think all the actors walked in thinking 'Oscar time', and walked out thinking 'Bourbon Time'. Like, 'Wild Turkey, double, no ice.'.

In it's favor, There are a couple of scenes of dancing ladies that are pretty nice... But those are cancelled out by this totally inhumane scene of Hopkins and Sinese dancing cheek-to-cheek *retch*.

The only thing these guys got right was the title.

Run away.

A Very Long Engagement (2004)

Title: 'A Very Long Engagement' ('Un long dimanche de fianacailles' - 2004)
Genre: Jean Pierre Jeunet goes to war
Rating: 8/10

'Delicatessen' (1991), 'City of Lost Children' (1995), 'Amelie' (2001) and now this. All of these guys films are like warm donuts, and you can never have enough warm donuts. I'm not gonna say it's the best of them all, but it's still a friggin' warm donut. The warmest donut was 'Amelie', everyone knows that. It was like getting a $2,000 tax refund when you were only seventeen years old. Like, 'what the fuck? Did that really just happen? Dude, if you need me, I'll be getting in back in line.' Also, on top of that feeling, there's the hottest slice of pie to ever glaze your eyeballs and warm your innards, Audrey Tautou. You make my heart hurt. That movie was one of those miracles that happen when the forces of the universe align, like a dust tornado on your little league field.

So, I guess I went into 'A Very Long Engagement' with raised expectations, which is alwaaays dumb. It didn't have the same snap and pop as 'Amelie' but was more like getting a nice long body rub. You walk away feeling good, and it stays with you. 'Amelie' made your head spin, but this one is more of a mellow jam. Don't fucking kid yourself though, there are still shots in 'Engagement' that'll blow your face off, they're just nestled in a slower paced movie. Which suits it well, because some of the cutaways to the war and such are really intense. Jeunet's cutaways are awesome. Unlike most movies where a character will just narrate past experiences to whoever, Jeunet always cuts to a beautifully filmed mini-movie of what went down, going down.

Audrey Tautou is always welcome in any film that crosses my path. Toss her in 'White Chicks' or 'Blade: Trinity' and you'd probably find me in the theater. But she seems to play best in the hands of Jeunet. That's nice. Don't stop. In this film she goes by 'Mathilde' and, as always, you want to invite her over for sandwiches. There's another great character in this movie, 'Tina Lombardi'. One of Jeunet's best inventions. She serves to showcase some of his genius contraptions and ideas that make him one of the few French people worth giving money to.

I can't talk about this movie without mentioning Jodie Foster. She shows up as a French woman in a fair sized role. I don't speak French, but that doesn't mean I can't tell you that her French is perfect. She does all that 's'vous de mignon a'la bastion duAvignonn', like, so fast the words bleed into each other. So it must be even more impressive to a French person. I'm not sure I really understand Jodie Foster, is she of elfish descent or something? It kinda feels like she's Eliza Doolittle out'a 'My Fair Lady'. Or the 'Manchurian Candidate' of Hollywood. Like someone put a crapload of money into making Jodie. She's super intense and you can totally tell that her brain is full, if it wasn't for the confines of her skull she would have memorized the internet and also be able to levitate a little bit.

My top 3 Jodie Foster Movies:

1. Candleshoe (1977), This is one of two movies that my grandparents purchased to help babysit me while my parents were out trying to remember what life was like without children. Awesome movie. Foster is a hot tomboy who is yanked out of Brooklyn by a conman and delivered to Candleshoe Mansion because she looks just like this rich lady's grand daughter. Only the rich lady is not as rich as she appears, the treasure hunting begins along with the ladies adopted children. Meanwhile, the conman and the taxman threaten to bring the whole thing to a tragic ending... Totally rad. (The other movie they purchased was 'Water Babies' (1978), which is so fucked up. Because on the surface it looks like a kids fantasy movie about children that live underwater, but it's really about all these children that were drowned in London. It still gives me the jibblies.)

2. 'The Silence of the Lambs' (1991) "He won't come after me. He won't. I can't explain it. He would consider that... rude.", Holy Molars, pass the awesome sauce, there's some exploding magic in my bowl and I'm getting speckles of 'greatest thriller ever' on my shirt.

3. 'Taxi Driver' (1976) Wha? Did Disney look at her previous work before they made that 'Candleshoe' movie, 'cause she's kind of a HOOKER in this movie. Did her mom read the script? I mean, I know she's already thirteen and all, but she's a HOOKER who gets splattered with people chunks and gravy while DeNiro walks around scaring the crap out of everything. Some guy watched this and decided to shoot the fucking President of the United States just for Jodie. She is HARD. CORE.

I haven't seen 'Nell' (1994) yet, but everytime I see pieces of it I start laughing when I'm not supposed to, so I'm just going to wait until I'm a grown-up.
Look, they can't all be winners folks. But come on, fuckin A, Jodie Foster. You have anything to say?

To summarize, Jeunet, Tautou, Foster.

Recommended.

Actors Spotlight: Bud Cort

Actors Spotlight: Bud Cort

Psychiatrist: Tell me, Harold, how many of these, eh, *suicides* have you performed?
Harold: An accurate number would be difficult to gauge.
Psychiatrist: Well, just give me a rough estimate.
Harold: A rough estimate? I'd say fifteen.
Psychiatrist: Fifteen?
Harold: That's a rough estimate.
Psychiatrist: Were they all done for your mother's benefit?
Harold: No. No, I would not say "benefit."

That's the role Bud Cort is most known for, Harold of 'Harold and Maude' (1971). That kid shoulda been on track for super-duperness after that role. If he hadn't gotten the crap kicked out of him by some overzealous cosmic greaser, he could've cracked the golden trifecta of that era (Pacino, DeNiro & Hoffman). But he had the shittiest luck this side of Christopher Reeve.
He wanted the part of McMurphy in 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' (1975), but was only offered the part of B-B-B-Billy B-B-B-Bibbitt. He got to thinkin' that he didn't want to play another crazy (a'la Harold) as he didn't want to be typecast as a nut. I don't know about that Bud, you're off the hook like a 600 lb. Marlin.

In '79 things got bad. Some unknown jackhole had stalled their car on an almost deserted L.A. freeway late at night. They abandoned their car in the left lane without turning on their hazard lights.
Bud Cort had just left a Frank Sinatra concert and was cruising down that freeway. He did not see the car until seconds before impact. A short while before, he had been groovin' to ole 'Blue Eyes'. Now he a had broken arm and leg, a concussion and a fractured skull. His face was severely lacerated, his lower lip cut and hanging by a thread.

In 1984, he told People magazine, "When I got up the nerve to look at myself in a mirror for the first time, I screamed. I looked like a monster, with my forehead, face and lip all sewn up. I wanted to die.". He had several sessions of plastic surgery but, by his account he remains unsatisfied by the results.

The previous year Mark Hamill had sailed through the windshield of his BMW. But, being a key player in a fairly large franchise, the powers that be allowed him to complete a certain trilogy. Bud had no such cushion to fall back on and was decimated by hospital and court costs. Thus be the tragic tale of Bud Cort, right? Nope. Sit back down.

Cort managed to continue in film, usually in very small roles, and continues to appear in current movies. Albeit, again in fairly small roles, but this just adds to the momentum of the cult-nut-frenzy he established with 'Harold and Maude'. Keep an eye out for him as the portly man who helps ease Pollock into the art world's 'inner circles' in 'Pollock' (2000) and the awesome accountant in 'The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou' (2004)

I like Bud Cort.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Title: 'The Day After Tomorrow' (2004)
Genre: Disaster film, in many ways.
Rating 4/10

Why am I supposed to care? Seriously. What the fuck? I mean, I'm beating my head against a wall here. This shit is ridiculous. Friggin' Dennis Quaid? You're already pushing it. And then on top of that you make him retarded.
Quaid: 'I'm going after my son.'
Emergency response team: 'Yeah dude, good deal, um, thanks for everything, you eccentric weather genius that the world has never needed until now. Off you go. Thanks again, ballbag.'
And Jake Jgyllenenhall, you spelling bee disaster. Why? I mean for reals, do people read scripts anymore? I hope you attained your unrequited love there, Mr. Unlikely Hero. 'Cause I fell asleep around the time your 'I've got an extra chromosome' father was hiking over Grand Central Station.

What happened to the good, honest disaster movies of old. I'm talking 'Towering Inferno' (1974, friggin' Paul Newman. Friggin' STEVE McQUEEN), 'Airport' (1970, haven't seen it, but it sure looks disastery), 'Rollercoaster' (1977, I don't know if this belongs here, but it's always worth a mention) and 'The Poseidon Adventure' (1972), Fucking A, it doesn't get any better than the Poseidon Adventure. Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine, Gene Hackman, Red Buttons. Listen to me. 'Titanic' (1997) is the munge you scoop out of your dishwasher drain compared to the majesty that is 'The Poseidon Adventure'.
Borgnine: 'You. Preacher, murderer. I started to believe in your promises, that we had a chance. What Chance...'
That movie suckerpunches you in the gut, lets you catch your wind back, and kicks you right in the junk, it also flips a ballroom upside down and hangs people from the dinner tables. Snap! And, get this, you care about those characters, those people could be you! The BBC used to play that movie every Christmas in England. It's like the British version of 'It's a Wonderful Life'. God bless 'em.

Now it's being remade be Wolfgang Peterson. Leave it alone. For the luv'a Red Buttons.

And now I'm supposed to give a shit about these idiot characters and their battle against the Weather Channel? May I be excused? From everything? This film is a waste of everyone's time except the people who got paid to work on it. And I hold Roland Emmerich totally responsible. Lock him in the basement like Boo Radley. And keep any scissors away. We all hate you.

Judgement: Suck.

To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)

Title: 'To Kill a Mockingbird' (1962)
Genre: It's a book!... No,wait... It's a movie!... Four words...
Rating: 8.5/10

Atticus is a swell dude. Hypothetical: 'Dog Day Afternoon' (1975), if Pacino was chanting 'Atticus... Atticus...' instead of 'Attica', I still think that crowd would have gone apeshit.

I'm gonna do the rest of this review as Robert Evans (with back to camera, sitting in directors chair, looking back over shoulder at camera):
Ahem. Yeah, man, Gregory Peck. That cat was wild. I don't know if they knew what they had while they were making that film. Crazy. There's no way around it, baby, that film is a cultural phenomena, an icon of Americana. But what people don't know, see, is the madness that went down on that set, dig? There were fistfulls of coke trading hands, the air was thick with it. 'Scout' was sent home a number of times for grabbing 'Jem's' tiddlybits. And Greg Peck was just gone, see? A lot of people don't know we used live rounds in the scene where Atticus puts down that mangy mutt, baby. We went thought almost two dozen of those little fuckers in just as many takes. God damn. Are you getting all this? This is Hollywood legend, man. And Tom Robinson was going through handfuls of powder every day. Nobody would notice till we went through the dailies, that cat was ashy from the tip-top of his head to the pads of his boots. We'd have to reshoot everything the following day. It was madness, baby. 1962. Can you believe it? Crazy.

----

Mmmm. That got old. This was a sweet flick that I was super overdue to see. Gregory Peck rocks this one home. The kid actors feel like a group of kids, not kid actors. Awesome. Although the kid who played Dill had to be like, the producers grandson or something. That's the kid who shoulda been locked in a basement for 6 years.

And Robert Duvall was a little bit of strawberry jelly in the middle of this glazed donut. Sealed deal. Classic movie. Gregory Peck plays 'Atticus' perfectly. Like, if he was president of the United States everybody would wear t-shirts with his face on it, and all the people of Earth would migrate to America just to get a taste. He's just about the most likeable character in the history of everything. Say you rolled with a pack of mad-dog, razor-wire, Nihilists. And you showed up wearing an 'I hate Atticus' t-shirt, your ass would get rolled, like, into a hospital.

The sets almost feel like a diorama popping up out of the book. And that totally works in the movie's favor. Geez, what can you say doesn't work in this movies favor? Um, It would have been neat if a young Crispin Glover played an extra as one of the roaming pack of lynchers. And maybe if the whole movie was a hologram. But other than that. Well done.

Recommended.

Also, Robert Evans had absolutely nothing to do with this movie. Baby.

Lenny (1974)

Title: 'Lenny' (1974)
Genre: Biography/Homage
Rating 7.75/10

Dustin Hoffman drives this movie like Steve McQueen in a '74 Corolla station wagon. Like he's pulling off some shit that you couldn't even touch with a Porsche, and, as whole city leans out of their windows to watch, they all let out a collective, 'How in the holy fuck?!?'. And you can hear this revelation clear across the bay, where the Berkeley locals kinda give each other a nod, like, 'hey, sounds like they're making some progress over there'.

This movie ain't so hot. The direction is a little wonky, the cinematography looks a little amateur, and the script causes uncomfortable chaffing. But, Hoffman as Lenny Bruce is straight-up amazing. Like when you go to a magic show and somehow the dude on stage is holding your belt and watch.

What went wrong with Dustin? Now he's all froofy. He didn't age well, I guess. Pacino still rocks like the Ramones, DeNiro can still get up in your grill when he wants too, but he's totally second fiddle to Pacino. For one thing, there's that scene from 'Heat' (1995) where DeNiro is like, 'I'm really trying, look how hard I'm acting right now, I'm totally working it like a pack of fucking Huskie dogs'. And Pacino is rolling with it, 'Hey jackoff, friggin' relax already, I'm just sitting here chewing your face apart and you're, like, starting to bug out, man'.

Plus, DeNiro is in self-Destruct mode along with Hoffman. 'The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle' (2000), 'Flawless' (1999), 'Meet the Fockers' (2004), 'I Heart Huckabees' (2004)? What are they doing? It's like watching an Elvis Presley biography. The decline of western civilization on celluloid. To me, Pacino, DeNiro and Hoffman have always been the trifecta of the 60's-70's all-stars. Back when things were really going down. But now the latter two hurt my feelings. Fer shame o' Shamus.

Anyways, Lenny Bruce was pretty funny. But, he should really be remembered for fighting censorship and opening the door for other comics. There'd be no Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Patton Oswald, Dennis Leary... They owe it all to Lenny Bruce.
Howard Stern rips him off just about every day. He's not allowed to mention his move to satellite on his show, so he dodges the rules by saying, 'I can't wait till we move to eh-eh-eh'.
The day after Bruce Lenny was arrested on obscenity charges for saying 'cocksucker', his whole act was dedicated to 'blah-blah-blah'. 'Sir, have you ever had your 'blah, blahed?', 'Maam, how often do you blah your husbands blah?', etc.

Hoffman at his best, and some insight into one of our heroes. (that last sentence is the cheese)

The Third Man (1949)

Title: 'The Third Man' (1949)
Genre: Thriller with its very own atmosphere
Rating: 7/10

This movie would have gotten a super high score if I didn't know anything about it going in. Not even in a 'I already know how it ends' kinda way (because I didn't), or a 'Everybody says this movie will change my life' kinda way (because they don't) but more in a 'look at the sweet cast in this thing' kinda way. Becasuse that's real hard to avoid. It's plastered all over the cover, posters, and just about anything you read about it. So the whole time you're watching the movie, you're like... Hmmm I wonder when so and so is gonna pop up?

That took a lot of the punch out of this movie. If I'd come across it by accident on the AMC channel, this movie would have gotten a high 8/10 score. But I don't think there's anyway you're going to do that. So, 7 it is.

That 7 is propped up by some of the greatest cinematography ever. For reals. The sewers in Vienna... More awesome than those little sausages. And totally ripped off in a crapload of other movies. Whatevs. The cinematography rules. It's like the celluloid is making unprotected love to your eyeballs and you're so caught up in the moment that you just don't care.


Director: Let me introduce you to my friend, the camera.
The camera: Me love you long time.

Yeah, it's totally worth watching even if you know who is in the movie. I mean, the story has crazy layers all piled up together like a wigwam made of nuttin' but sticks. And that's all wrapped up in it's own atmosphere, like you're breathing the same air those dudes are breathing (and, psst... They're all dead now). You're in a time bubble with ventilation, and you don't want that fucker to pop 'cause there's some nasty shit going on around these parts.

It's recommended

The Great Escape (1963)

Title: 'The Great Escape' (1963)
Genre: Awesome
Rating: 8.75

Stalag Luft III. Can we now, please, end the argument that the British are magic geniuses who take care of business when it lands on their plate? And, when they take care of business, shit goes crazy and the rest of the planet is like, 'Oh Snap!'.

These mo-fo's owned the civilized world, for the lov'a Cadbury's. Sure, England handed over America to a bunch of lugs in 1776, it just wasn't worth all the trouble. But, when the Yanks started to get too big for their bloomers, the Brits put 'em in check by kidnapping the President and burning down the White House in 1812. And, if you don't think the U.K. pulled off the most gob-smacking military and engineering triumphs of WWII, then you've been reading the wrong history books. The Battle of Britain, the Bouncing Bomb, the Spitfire... Fucking A right. Most of the kick-ass war movies are about the Brits. Only, more often than not, the screenwriter will re-write history by minimalizing Englands part, or turning them into yanks ('Saving Private Ryan' (1998), 'U-571' (2000), Flippin' 'Robin Hood' (1991)?!? I'm not even gonna touch on Mel Gibson). Look, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a British national, that's why I'm being so objective.

So, it's shocking that Steve McQueen wanted to have his part increased so he could show off his motorcycle skills. But that guy is a bad ass on a rope. Let him do his thing. Stay behind the lines people, there's some ninja kick, corn poppin', exploding face, bad-assery going on here.

Wait, is that Charles 'Crazy like Baretta' Bronson? And... Oh shit! It's the guy from 'The Rockford Files', The Guy. I need to watch this friggin' movie with my boots on.

Greatest escape movie ever. These guys were transported to maximum security Stalag Luft III because they were notorious for escaping. Dude when you put all of these Ultragalactic master sage virtuoso's behind one fence, don't be surprised if a shiny mecha-godzilla pops up and flattens your Volkswagon.

There was a special on the Discovery channel about a month ago, where they excavated one of the tunnels. I wished I'd seen this movie before the special. It would have made it that much more amazing. 'Cause they found the lanterns, tunnel electric wiring, Red-Cross milk tins that were used both to dig and to trade for goods with the guards.

In this special they dug a big hole. Bigger than a basket-ball court and over 30-feet down. You could see a fair sized legnth of the tunnel. Then two of the surviving Stalag prisoners showed up. And that's when things got all misty-eyed. For reals.

Bat-shit insane. It's recommended. I haven't seen 'Stalag 17' (1953) yet, but I hear that's a good'un too.

Also, those nazi's really were douches.

Annie Hall (1977)

Title: 'Annie Hall' (1977)
Genre: Woody Allen
Rating 8.5/10

This movie is almost thirty years old and it made me laugh out loud. To no one inparticular, in my empty apartment.

[after sex with Annie]
Alvy Singer: That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

I love Woody Allen. His short stories are worth a look too. And remember that one where Robin Williams was actually watchable? 'Deconstructing Harry' (1997) where Williams' character feels 'out of focus'. Genius. Or 'Sweet and Lowdown' (1999) with Sean Penn. That one's in my top twenty that I've never acually sat down and worked out.

[after Annie parks the car]
Alvy Singer: Don't worry. We can walk to the curb from here.

Super personal. Super funny.

Alvy Singer: I think, I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life.
Pam: Who said that?
Alvy Singer: It may have been Leopold and Loeb.

Makes me feel brainy.

Alvy Singer: I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Amen.

... My mother hates Woody Allen movies, which brings a nice cosmic balance to my hatred of Robin Williams, charity case dipshit at large. But when you add this to her dismissal of subtitled films, you can't help feeling an ounce of frustration and a pint of sadness. Ahem. I'll get off your couch now...

Sometimes it takes an extra serving of gravy to go out on a limb and wholeheartedly recommend a movie. As in "You'll love this mo-fo...". But I'm certainly glad I was pointed towards this gem. Now point yourself towards your movie store.

Another act of service done right.

Hostage (2005)

Title: 'Hostage' (2005)
Genre: *nnnnnnnnnngghhh.... hooooork.... spliatsplotsplitfluhptlop*
Rating: 3/10

"The Negotiator meets Panic Room'. This was written on the DVD sleeve I picked up at Blockbuster. I swear on my giblets.

Why did I rent this? To be fair, it was midnight after a long day of moving into my new place. I had 'The 3rd Man' (1949) in one hand, and 'Hostage' (2005) in the other. My synapses were so shot that I made an executive decision to save 3rd Man for a later date and just rent something I could at least have fun ripping on. 'The Negotiator meets Panic Room'? And Bruce Willis to boot? I'm hoppin' on this friggin' train wreck just like Bruce did in that other movie... 'Unbreakable' (2000). Remember? The one that had five minutes of good and 102 minutes of 'Fuck, I knew I shoulda gone with 'Charlie's Angels' instead.'.

-----

Open: Hollywood Exec Penthouse Office.
A cigar smoking meatball questions his assistant:

See here, 'The Negotiator' made some money, but could it have been better?
I guess it coulda been set it in Suburbia...

Roll with it... What's at stake?
Um, a teenage girl.

Hmmm. I like it. Who's holding her hostage?
Arabs.

Good. Can we get Spacey again?
He's busy.

Harrison Ford?
Busy.

Cruise?
No way.

Damn it. I'm not settling for Willis again.
Noted.

Why are these Arabs in suburbia?
Good point, let's make 'em... Teenage delinquents.

I like it. Wait... Have you seen the returns on this 'Panic Room' show?
We can add one of those.

Perfect. How does the negotiator know what's going on in the house?
Um... A little boy?... Sir.

Nice. Make him 8.
Will do.

How does he do it? What did they do in this Panic Room?
Cell phone, sir. And security monitors.

No security monitors. Bor-ing.
Um... Crawls through secret tunnels?

Bingo. Why do we give a shit about the negotiator?
Let's kidnap his kids too.

Now we're talking. Can you rub a little harder on the left?....

-----

And thus, a heap of shit is borne of such wasteful proportions that the entire IHOP franchise is swallowed by a subspacial reasonability rift and the sky glows an umber red of shame.

Also, Kevin Pollak is in this. I was teetering on the edge, but now I hate him.

The end.

Midnight Cowboy (1969)

Title: 'Midnight Cowboy'
Genre: In your face, John Wayne.
Rating: 8/10

So, this is why Jon Voight is allowed to roll with the Hollywood old school. I've been wondering that for a while. I think the first time I saw him, he was being vomited out by an overgrown snake. And the 2nd time he looked like one of Dick Tracy's (1990) villains, only he was a U.S. president who wondered onto that testicle-smashing of a movie, 'Pearl Harbor' (2001).






See what I'm sayin'? This guy has been a special effect to me, all the ways up until this movie. But when you clear away the snake mucus and the Oscar Winning (reeeeally slow year) Make-Up. The guy's actually really good in front of a camera. And, while it's still a little disconcerting that Jon's natural look is what daughter Angelina Jolie would look with the Roosevelt make-up slopped all up on her visage, Voight is definitely the glue that holds this thing together.

Case in point: Very begining... Girl on bus hiding behind comic book. That scene alone is why Jon Voight still gets free booze at the parties.

Hoffman's 'Ratso' is no slouch either. We've seen this character in so many movies since the release of 'Midnight Cowboy', but those are all copycat wannabe slopheaps who don't hold so much as a matchstick (that I just snapped with my 'Flying Buddhist Palm' technique), to Hoffmans 'Ratso'.

This movie took big balls to make. When it came out it was rated 'X', but got lowered to an 'R' in the early seventies when the MPAA saw just how 'X' an 'X' rated movie could be. Like, up to the elbow and all that.

Rent it for Ratso and Buck, and all the good they did for film back in the day. We love them.

Also, rock out to Harry Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" during the opening. Just get in tune with the sound of that guy's voice... You can tell his bills are all paid up. Everything is coasting like Highway 1. Breathe easy my friend.

So, have a good something. I'm way behind on my posts, 'cause I moved this weekend. They may be a little shorter than usual for a little tiny bit.