Title: 'Fantastic Four' (2005)
Genre: Unprecedented Offensiveness
This was a real pisser. There are plenty of spoilers ahead
, owing to the need to point out the myriad ways in which Writers Mark Frost and Michael France, Producer Avi Arad, and Director Tim Story FUCKED UP THE UNFUCKABLE, A PRICELESS COMMODITY OF CULTURAL AMERICANA, A CORNERSTONE OF MODERN COMICS, IN WAYS WHICH STAGGER THE HUMAN MIND WITH SUCH UNFATHOMABLE FORCE THAT I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL FUCKING NAIL GROWTH ON THE INSIDE OF MY BRAIN AS IT CLAWS ITSELF INSIDE OUT.
You know something, this review has been blocking the flow of things here at movie411. Given 2 reasons:
A. On top of the infinite crap geysers that coat the film itself, this offal is a crystalline example of the byproduct that results from everything that is wrong with the industry. I was afraid that once I started venting about all the incalculable bullfuckingshit I would not be able to stop. And I've got shit to do outside of this thing.
B. I couldn't remember how and why the ending went down. How did Johnny and Sue and up at Doom's place? I thought I was a retard. But then it dawned on me. There's nothing wrong with me, it's this brain trauma of a motion picture that's the problem. I'm fine. The editor was high on Nitrous.
Example? Easy. There's a ruckus on the Brooklyn Bridge involving The Thing and the obligatory firetruck. The rest of the Fantastic Four arrive in short order. How did they get there through gridlocked Manhattan?
Fuck knows, this turns out to be a recurring motif throughout the film. Reed, Sue and Johnny are presented with a problem, there's a football field sized crowd between them and the action, with cops up in their grill telling everybody to get back. So, naturally, Sue starts taking off her clothes to get invisible. What? Johnny says something idiotic like 'I'm going to need therapy'. And then we cut to the trio on the other side of the crowd as Sue is putting her clothes back on. What?
What the fuck just happened? Only the editor knows for sure, and I'm sure that guy is as apt at stinging together sentences as he is action sequences. So good luck getting that out of him. Let me know how it goes.
The Fantastic Four was
one of the hottest properties out there. This is one of the foundations of modern comics. It was one of the the first 'super group's. Some of the greatest characters ever made their first appearance in the pages of the Fantastic Four; Spiderman, The Silver Surfer, The Inhumans, Galactus... Holy Shit. It was like Star Search. How could they screw this one up?
First off, it went through 10 years of pre-production. Everybody stuck their grubby no-talent fingers into this pie. The script got pushed through 12 different writers before somebody just said 'enough already, let's make this thing and cut our losses'. You get that fragmented feeling immediately. Who knows what the original story might have been. I find it hard to believe that the original concept was this 'origin' movie. While the Fantastic Four are an awesome group, their origin story is a little weak. Their spaceship gets hit with cosmic rays and they find themselves with fantastic powers. Lame. There's no spiderbite or murdered parents. But the Fantastic Four was never about the origin, it was about the team dynamic. Which we only get to see for about 2 minutes. What the fuck did I just pay for!?!? Also, Victor Von Doom was not on the god damn ship and he was not dating Susan Storm
, you 'tards.
Hey, Awesome job reinventing a classic, you spewing postules. This is vintage Kirby and Lee! Did you read the fucking comic?
For the lov'a birds. What's next? Huckleberry Finn?
When the four discover their powers in the movie, it's about as exciting *yawn* as 'Sense and Sensibility'. 'Spiderman' (2002) had a rad showcase sequence devoted to Peters discovery, enough to get the audience a hootin' and a hollerin'. In Fantastic Four, the characters almost shrug it off like it's just a bit of a good hair day. C'mon! This isn't an everyday thing. You can't write it off with a one-liner or a gag. What the fuck is going on? Is it our fault? Maybe people haven't complained enough about movies like the 'Stepford Wives' (2004). Movies that don't make a shred of sense and are about as deep as a Slip 'n Slide. To tell the truth I didn't know where to address my letter. Well here's a start. This guy is in charge of their web division, so I'm sure he can forward things to the head of production:
Mr. Jon Del Barrio
Fox Broadcasting Company
Telephone: (310) 369-1000 x11340
Fax: (310) 969-0144
I don't understand who this was made for. It certainly wasn't the fans. Who is going to be happier having watched this movie? No one. Right? Or maybe the same people that are going to enjoy 'Dukes of Hazzard'? I get the feeling that movies like this are to the South as clamshell-case videos are to babies. But this is evil, no mistake. Pure Evil.
I want to try to list a slice of the innumerable things about this movie that get on my tits. But I feel like I'm taking on this cloudy beast that's straight up 'We are called Legion, for we are many.' And it's fucking scary, man.
Here we go (Disclaimer: I am not superfan #1, a casual reader knows these things to be true):
Reed Richards is a genius pimp scientist, not a second fiddle buffoon.
Sue Storm is not a teeny bopper's dream with a nice rack, she is an intelligent, practical woman who holds the team together. She's the mediator who is a best friend to everybody in the group. She has never had any kind of romantic interest in Victor Non Doom. She is good and pure, he is the Anti-Christ.
Johnny Storm is cocky, but he does not say idiotic things like 'Dying. That's bad right?'
Ben Grimm is
The Thing. There are no 2nd chances. That's what drives that character. He was dealt the hand of the monstrous beast and he has to live with that. Coming to terms with looking that way for the rest of his life. That is what makes him such a powerful icon. He is torn apart on the inside but manages to cope and save lives on the outside. He is never given the opportunity to change back into a man. What the fuck were you thinking? Did you reason that one out? You can't tell me that nobody has brought this up with you. He's not going to turn into a man and voluntarily turn back into the Thing just to save Reeds life. Who ever wrote that nugget needs the West Nile with a little Bird Flu on the side. Also, he is supposed to have a fucking insane huge unibrow. Where did it go? I don't see it. It's not over here... Is it over there? THE UNIBROW IS INDISPENSIBLE, FUCKERS.
Dr. Doom is from a country called Latveria and he has magic powers. He learned them from gypsies. Doom knows this to be true. Doom will crush you. Doom needs not the companionship of a woman. Especially Sue Fucking Storm! DOOM!
Who is this fucktard with the holodeck in the middle of Manhattan? Why the hell is he firing off heat-seeking missiles into uptown? For reals? Was anybody even trying? I'm seriously getting upset. You guys are dicks.
How the hell do the Fantastic Four get around so fast? From the opening...
Ext- somewhere near a launchpad
Richard: We are going into space.
cut to Int- Spacestation Airlock
Richard: We are in space.
... Where the hell is the rad spaceship?
And as far as navigating Manhattan. Where's the Fantastic Air Car? How the hell do they make it from The Baxter Building to the Von Doom building in 90 seconds? Remember Spiderman swinging from place to place, or Hellboy cruisin' in a garbage truck? That was neat. Not in this movie. How the hell do they see Johnny on TV at a Motocross event and then get down there in time to catch him exiting the arena? Oh fuck, which brings me to...
An entire effects showcase devoted entirely to promoting Burger King and Pepsi. Are you kidding me? That shit was like Land of the Lost. Where the fuck am I? I can't see anything but billboards on all sides. I think I lost my cyanide pill. Nooooooooo. Seriously, did Johnny Storm just start cooking a Whopper Jr. over there? There may be some readers who have not seen this movie... I swear on my mother, Johnny Storm lights a Burger King billboard on fire, the burger part of the billboard.
Welcome to the apocalypse, the shit storm is in motion.
My time is up. I know this review was a little scattershot. But I couldn't open my eyes to the whole thing at once. My heart would have stopped. I had to peck at it a little at a time, feeling around with my eye's closed until I felt I had described the beast as a whole. I'm sorry, I wish I was a bigger man.
Judgement: Write your congressman, the shit is not funny anymore.