Great Moments in Rotoscoping (#01)

Title: 'Starship Troopers 2' (2004)
Scene: Peck's head rip.
Amount of fun to work on: 10/10

Play by play:

'Griff' inserts fingers into 'Peck's' eyeballs.

'Griff' pulls upwards, removing the upper portion of 'Peck's' head (skin, meat and sinew give way).

A large 'bug' is revealed as it exits 'Peck's' skull cavity.

This has been the 1st installment of, 'Great Moments in Rotoscoping'.

With many thanks to Tippett Studio.

Gunner Palace (2004)

Title: 'Gunner Palace' (2004)
Genre: Documentary
Rating: 6.5/10

Dissapointed. Your trailer totally fooled me. I think it was the Hendrix. Y'know, I not really a huge Hendrix fan, but his jams are habenero on film.

Merits:

1. It totally had the 'down time' vibe that 'Full Metal Jacket' (1987) and 'Apocalypse Now' (1979) created during the 'streetside stolen camera' & 'french villa', respectively. Right away I found myself comparing 'Gunner Palace' with other wartime films. The soldiers and Director knew that this was going to be an issue for the viewer, so they address it. Just a little too late for me though. A more pre-emptive attempt would've carried this film further. Once that seed is planted, it's hard not to find yourself looking at your wristwatch towards the end of the movie. Sounds shallow, but honest injun, if you tell me any different you're just bleeding your own compassion into this subpar documentary.

2. The part of this movie that hit me hardest was actually in the deleted scenes. A handful of soldiers visiting an orphange for girls and watching them put on a choreographed performance...The soldiers laughing and clapping. That just didn't sit right in my stomach.

3. A few of the interviewed subects really get you. They are real honest, and you can almost begin to cauterize what it is like to be in 'Minor Combat' over there: 'The only people who will remember this, is us... The people stiing at home watching us can pause to microwave their popcorn.' & 'To you this is a movie, to us it is Life.'

4. As the Gunners and their APC's leave for a 3am mission, one of the soldiers boomboxes (or maybe vehicle p.a.) is blasting 'Flight of the Valkyries'

Demerits:

1. It comes across that most of the interviewed subjects are more all about a chance to be on camera than sharing their experiences and opinons. Many beatboxing and rapping to get their feelings across. This would work for me, if it happened once or twice. But unfortunatley it was a motif for the film, and occured about a dozen times. Maybe, a couple of them had skills, the others... Yeowch.

2. It was shitty camera work. The guy who shot this thing was a journalist, not a camerman. Fox's 'COPS' crew are better cinematographers. Actually, that's kinda what this wasted opportunity felt like, 'COPS: Iraq'.

3. Piss poor editing. So bad. It totally crippled this whole picture.

---
In summary, the trailer gave out this fakie vibe, like everything was going to be totally surreal up in Iraq. Not the case. These guys happen to have a swimming pool and a mini-golf range. That's all. The rest of movie is just some mediocre guy sloppin' with the troops for a few months. We're lucky to have a few of these soldiers caught on film. It's just a shame it was this one.

Use this movie if you're studying contemporary history, otherwise rent a KaneKong favorite. Again.

The opening/closing credits mention that a portion of the DVD sales go towards supporting the troops. Do them a favor, just send them cash.

The Wild Bunch (1969)

Title: 'The Wild Bunch' (1969)
Genre: 'Dirty Wound' Western
Rating: 8/10

First off, have you ever seen a better cover for a western? One of the greats, to be sure. One of those shadows is Ernest Borgnine, so take off your shirt and do a lap around the office. You can't fuck with Borgnine. 'The Poseidon Adventure' (1972) "You. Preacher, murderer. I started to believe in your promises, that we had a chance. What Chance?" , and frikkin' 'Airwolf' (1984) You gotta remember Airwolf from the TeeVee, 'Duh dehdeh Duh dehdehduh dehdehdeh Duh!', he had the white hair goin' by then. He was the wisened 'Chopper mechanic who threw his hat down every episode.

One of my biggest complaints about the horseshit we're usually subjected to at contemporary cinema... Is that it over-explains things, like you're there on a Scholastic field trip. Like in 'Minority Report' (2002) or the american version of 'The Ring' (2002). It's just idiocy. There can't really be people out there who actually need what is essentially a Power-Point presentatation on the Themes, Characters, and Plot points in a movie they just watched, not even just, the breakdown begins while the movie is still playing. What is that? We hate it. Almost more than the twenty minutes of commercials you blasted into our orifices before the movie started. But... seriously, fuck you.

This movie doesn't explain a god damn thing, you're just in there rolling with the Wild Bunch from the get go. Hell, at first you don't know who's side you're on. Maybe at the end you don't know either. Go stick that up your Sierra Madre. This was a solid western epic. It had heists of the 'Rube Goldberg' variety and more squibs than inaugural day balloons. that's all you need to know. Proceed to your rental store.

And finally, the lyrics to 'Machine Gun'. By Mr. Jimi Hendrix,

Machine gun,
tearin' my body all apart.
Machine gun,yeah,
tearin' my body all apart.
Evil man make me kill you.
Evil man make you kill me.
Evil man make me kill you,
even though were only famlies apart.
Well,I pick up my axe and fight like a farmer,
You know what I mean?
Weh,hey,and your bullets keep knockin' me down.
Hey,I pick up my axe an' fight like a farmer,now,
yeah,but you still blast me down to the ground.
The same way you shoot me baby,
you'll be goin' just the same,three times the pain.
And with your own self to blame,machine gun!

I ain't afraid of your bullets no more,baby.
I ain't afraid no more.
After awhile,your,your cheap talk won't even cause me pain,
so let your bullets fly like rain.
'Cause I know all the time your wrong,baby,
and you'll be goin' just the same.
Machine gun,tearin' my family apart.
Hey yeah,alright,tearin' my family apart.
---

All will be clear. And rad.

American History X (1999)

Title: 'American History X'
Genre: Sociological Drama. Go ahead and capitalize all the previous letters in your head. But, like, bigger than a big building.
Rating: 9/10

I loved this one. It's one of those movies that is so strong and powerful that you don't want to see it again. Not like in a 'The Thirteenth Floor' (1999) kinda sense, but more in a 'Dead Man Walking' (1995) kinda way. But then again, the performances in this crouching monster are so rock solid that I could see myself revisiting it in another decade. And Also, if I was a teacher, I'd show this flick to those snot-nosed mo-fo's every god damn semester. And if you don't like it, you can get the fuck out of my class. Get walking. That's the only time you're gonna get to see this side of that door ever again. And I'm not even gonna give you the time of day when I'm ordering my Biggie Fries twenty years from now. Don't give me the stinkeye boy, I'll go Uri Geller on your spoon-fed ass.

Back to the review. I've always been a fraidy cat to rent this movie, 'cause I figured it had to have a swastika on the cover and the grizzly lookin' blockbuster gal would give me the raised eyebrow. And, honestly, I could use less raised eyebrow at this juncture. But, this movie was on some top 100 list, so I rolled with the eyebrow.

To my fellow Go-Getters, I'm glad I did. That movie is powerful. Like when you go to Marine World and they have an elephant do the tug-of-war with 40 big dudes from the audience. And it kinda teases like it's having a hard time. Then POW! It drags those suckers on their asses from here to next week. And you're just left sitting there thinking 'was that alone worth the price of admission? Not really. But that new 'Medusa' ride was pretty sweet.'

Edward Norton is not in enough movies. Remember when he beat the shit out of himself in 'Fight Club'? (also, remember that sex scene in 'fight club'? that was totally CG! for reals!). Mr. Norton, I salute you. Edward Furlong, still a little squeeky like in that Terminator flick. But puts in a good one here. Mr. Furlong, thank you for your strong efforts. And lastly Prison-Underwear buddy and Mr. Harelip man. You guys are up there with the best of 'em. Mr. Harelip Man deserves another juicey role, surely Joaquin Phoenix doesn't own the monopoly on this. Sweep the legs! Let's go gettum!

I don't think this is a spoiler: This is one of the great ones that leaves you with questions at the end. You care about the characters. Discussion Question: What path do you think is ultimately taken after the conclusion of this movie? Full sentences, please.

I'm totally stoked on seeing this movie. Risk the raised eyebrow, it's more bang for your buck than Ramen Noodles, for the luv'a McTavish and the Tavishettes.

Prolly not a date movie. But who's really playing the field anymore anyway? (call me)

Runaway Bride (1999)

Title: 'Runaway Bride'
Genre: Hollywood Horseshit
Rating: 1/10 (I've gotta save those '0's for something truly tragic)

My mom was watching this while I was eating dinner last night, and my Spinach Fettucine almost made a 2nd appearance. This movie makes we want to take 80mg's of Valium and just try to sleep it all off.

Here's how bat-shit-crazy hollywood is: They somehow found success with a movie based on Sleeping Beauty, only with an Investment Banker and a Prostitute. TRIVIA TIME!: The working title of 'Pretty Woman' (1990) was '$3,000'. Which still sounds like a few thousand more than I'd risk if I were a financier. But, as it goes, in this cripplingly illogical world of ours, it was a huge commercial success.

Cut to nine years later where, surprisingly, Disney's crack team of screenwriters have proven unsuccessful in producing a sequel for the ole' 'Well-to-do Gentleman aquires broke-ass Prostitute' picture. Disney's in a corner, it needs to do something fast, 'cause thse actors are about to hit the wall.

In reality, of course, these actors hit the wall quite some time ago. Julia Roberts looks much like Katherine Helmond in that scene in 'Brazil' (1985), where the cosmetic doctor is stretching her face out like a trophy racoon skin. And Richard Gere's make-up department went on to win its first oscar in 2003 for Lord of the Rings.

But wait, they think, let's also throw in the consierge from 'Pretty Woman' and it will totally gel together and make millions.

So, with the Tuned-up Trifecta in tow, they set the lights and start shooting a, um, they're filming this, thing, with cameras and everything. Seriously, there are even paychecks transferring back and forth. They will out-do their 'Pretty Woman' success and ride those rolling slopes of cash into the new millenia.

*Drumroll*

'Pretty Woman' Budget: $12,000,000 Gross: $463,400,000
'Runaway Bride' Budget: $70,000,000 Gross: $152,149,590

What a shock.

Pretty Woman had a crushing 556% profit return, while 'Runaway Bride' had a 'Y-front piss splotch' 106% return. Oh well, only money. That's not going to stop these chumbags from making the same crap again and again.

The ending of this train wreck is what put this thing over the top though. Let's throw in a Fed Ex commercial with the companies catchphrase spoken by a supporting actor... AND a montage worse than that seen at the ending of 'Frequency' (2000). If you haven't seen *that* movie, it's more effective than a high colonic.

Some advice to help you through these times:
“People have been saying that the red KoolAid and the blue KoolAid is laced with brown acid that’s poison. Cool it. It’s not poison – it’s just badly manufactured. Stay horizontal and hydrated, and you’ll be cool.”

Howl's Moving Castle (2004)

Title: 'Hauru no ugoku shiro' (Howl's Moving Castle) (2004)
Genre: Miyazaki ('nuff said)
Rating: 9/10

It's a friggin' Hayao Miyazaki film, for the lov'a bananas. I'm supposed to write a review on this thing? That's dumb. You just have to go see it already. There was a poster in the theater lobby explaining who Hayao Miyazaki is and how he 'has been compared to Walt Disney'. Walt Disney was an arogant boob, numbnuts. Miyazaki is the real deal. He has twenty odd animators in one room, and he walks around from drawing desk to desk, often tweaking the work with his own flippin' pencil. On 'Princess Mononoke' (1997) he corrected or redrew more than 80,000 of the film's 144,000 animation cels. Walt Disney was a capitolizing pig scrote.

I saw 'Howl's' with a friend, and he summed it up best. He somehow got to see 'Nausicaä of the Valley of the Winds' (1984) when he was a kid. And remembered seeing some things in there that weren't right, should'a been scary, but he was totally o.k. with it. And there's some fucked up shit in that movie, it's still my favorite. But the point is, how do you create something like the 'CatBus'? Which is a cat the size of a city bus, with 12 legs, that pretty much swallows you and then starts running down electricity and telephone lines faster than a train. How do you put that on a screen and not have 8 year olds filling their shorts?

Because you're Miyazaki and you've got skills like a dandelion field has seeds.

Respect.

This movie includes the ever recurring feeling of flight like only Miyazaki can produce. I love that. 'Laputa: Castle in the Sky' (1986) and 'Porco Rosso' (1992) are my favorite full blown high in the sky Hiyao Madness. I love this man. He, alone is worth the science of extending life. But just for him. Get crackin' science.

John Lassater is buddy-buddy with Miyazaki, I guess because he deserves to be. Dammit. So another of the Pixar directors was chosen from the cream of the crop, Pete Docter, 'Monster's Inc.' (2001), to direct what would be the heavily scrutinized English dubbed version of the film. This result will be discarded fairly quickly by the true snobbish foriegn film fan (me). But he did do a really good job. Could'a lost the Billy Crystal though. He stood out way too much.

My only other gripe with 'Howl' was that it wrapped up a little too quick for my taste. Not going to say anything else, as not to spoil it for you.

In Summary: Miyazaki, more incredible character design, bueatiful color-scapes (a'la Punch-Drunk Love), a first for a Miyazaki film. And master of the universe animation (As in Godly, not Hanna-Barbera). I felt like an eight year old watching star wars the whole time.

Go!

The Jacket (2005)

Title: 'The Jacket'
Genre: Psychological Thriller
Rating: 7.5

This movie stars Adrien Brody and his eyebrows, Kris Kristofferson and his made-up name, Jennifer Lason-Leigh who keeps her shirt on for this entire movie (for reals, the whole thing), and Keira Knightly, the less than talented byproduct from the night the Scientologists used their 'Y-Energy Transmuters' to procreate Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder.

I saw Adrien Brody interviewed a few months back, and he was totally *raging*, hardcore grinding his eyebrows into Leeza Gibbons face because he was so burned about the way the movie had been marketed. He was right. The studio had marketed it as a psycho-horror film. But it isn't. I'm not one to spoil things about movies, because if anyone did that to me I'd go back to my room, and think about how much I hated your ineptness for a good part of a night. Also, how you wore your boots around the house ALL the time. What *is* that? You're a jerkface.

So, this isn't a horror movie. But it does have some freaky shit. This was in trailer, so it's not a spoiler unless you live under a bridge (which I happen to think is pretty punk rock, so rock it onward, slugger). Most of the freaky's were when Adrien and his eyebrows got their meatbags dumped in a morgue drawer for hours at a time. A'la 'The Vanishing' (1993), a'la 'Kill Bill vol. II' (2004), a'la 'Madagasgar' (2005), ala dee da dee doopity doo. The story doesn't make any frikkin' sense. but it's fun. And it's nice to see Jason-Leigh with her top on.

Adrien Brody is a talented guy, he got an Oscar for that piano movie, just like Anna Paquin got one for that other piano movie. Holy shit! Do you remember her exceptance speech? Millions watched an eleven year old hyperventilate on stage for way over 30 seconds. It was awesome. You kept waiting for the wrap-up music, but it didn't come. The producers totally wanted her to pass out on stage. Rad! She didn't get a single word out, she just took machine-gun breaths of air and looked like she was watching her parents get decapitated. I hated it when they finally cut away. That's so bogus. Let the kid collapse, for McGuillacutty's sake. You built her, now see if she breaks.

The other thing I wanted to mention about Adrien Brody is that he has Betty Boop eyelids. When he closes those things they're totally purple. Like the old Fleischer and Warner Bros. cartoon characatures of Sinatra and all the old jazzy people that are dead now. I was gonna say Penis Purple, but this ain't that kind of review.

Rent it. Good 'date movie'. I think Knightly might be the new Jason-Leigh, knowuttamean?

Appleseed (2004)

Title: 'Appleseed'
Genre: Action (Anime)
Rating 7.5/10

Standard anime plotline about the fate of the world resting in the hands of an individual. Does that even matter much anymore though? With the exception of Studio Ghibli, 'Ghost in the Shell', 'Akira', and maybe 'Blood: The Last Vampire' most anime story lines serve as a tenuous string utilized as an excuse for action sequences.

Some action is subpar, some of it is amazing. Often enough to warrent a recommendation. 'Ninja Scroll' (1993), 'Blue Six' (1998), 'Spriggan' (1998)... The last two are among the beginnings of a new brand of anime: A crossbreed of CGI amd cel animation. The CGI is most often used to create intricate backgrounds, vehicles, and a sense of depth. 'Spriggan' was the 1st movie of its kind I saw and it totally made me wet my socks off. The visuals are insane. But the storyline of that movie coulda been switched with 'Appleseed' and not many would notice.

So what makes Appleseed different? Something I'm not too fond of: Cel Shading. I hate Cel Shading. It first appeared while I was at college and was cool for, oh, about 2 days. Then all the games came out with that crap and I pissed and moaned like Whiney McGrumblepants. It's dumb.

He's a simple explanation of Cel Shading. Usually when a sphere is rendered on a computer, the shading is based on real life lighting. A subtle gradient from the hottest (the area closest to the light source) point of the sphere, to the coolest (the area in shadow). Usually an average gradient from white to grey to black.

A cell shaded sphere has no gradients. The computer paints the area closest to the camera, white. And the area furthest, black. So now your 3D sphere looks 2D, a white circle with a black outline. No grey.

You can tweak your cel shading tool to allow varying amounts of grey on our sphere. But these are still represented as solids, no gradients, or softness from higher to lower shade values.

Make sense? No? Well here, if you're ever confronted with a question on this topic simply focus on the following equation:

'Cel Shading' = Suck Ass.
e.g.: 'Cel Shading' x 'Good Intention' + 'Major Talent' = Suck Ass.

It's an absolute, you see? Good. Well, the producers of 'Appleseed' made the unfortunate decision of making the *characters* of the story, cel shaded. They sure wrote a fancy Cel Shader though, *almost* good enough to make them look as if they were actually drawn. And remember:

Drawn = Warm
CGI = Cold (but we're working on that)

So, while this movie had kick-ass design, incredible action sequences and a so-so plotline. It had all the warmth of a penguins nuts.

Please keep the characters drawn. Please, I'll be good. I'll stop sneaking the occasional Macadamia nut out of the bulk section of Whole Foods. I'll stop trying to figure out how Blockbuster keeps their DVD cases closed with that lil' yellow piece of plastic, then pops 'em open like a bartender. Please, Anime, you make me want to be a better man.

If this 'Toon had 'drawn' characters I would've upped it's rating by 1 point, but it doesn't and it distracted me for most of the movie, except for the awesome s'plosions and tearing of metal.

The DVD has a neat bonus that'll cue the movie up to one of the artists on the soundtrack and play it through, kinda like a music video. Paul Oakenfold is on there, but don't ask me who else.

Rent it if you don't give a shit about Cel Shading and/or love them fancy Japanese Punk Rockin' Robots/Cyborgs.

The Machinist (2004)

Title: 'The Machinist'
Genre: Thriller
Rating: 8/10

This movie won't dissapoint you. It's like a mash-up of 'Lost Highway' (1997) and 'Memento' (2000). Only grittier. Christian Bale cuts loose in this movie. He plays a guy who works in a factory that produces mostly sparks so far as I can tell. Oh, and his character, Trevor Reznik (apparently someone was a NIN fan), weighs 120 pounds. For reals.

There's a 'making of' feature on the DVD that includes a sitdown with Mr. Bale, whom I haven't seen in anything but 'Empire of the Sun' (1987), 'American Psycho' (2000) and the new 'Batman Begins' (2005) film. He's awesome in all of those. 'Specially in 'American Psycho' where he delivers a parlance on the compendium of work by 'Huey Lewis and the News' before wedgeing an axe into his co-workers melon, blade in face, game over.

Patrick Bateman: Do you like Huey Lewis and the news?
Paul Allen: They're OK.
Patrick Bateman: "Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83,I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consimante professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humour...."

Truly awesome. Like smoking a cigarette in the rain.

Anyway, in this 'sitdown', Christian explains that after reading the 'Machinist' screenplay, he felt it was a movie he would want to see, so he stopped eating. For Months. The script describes his character as a walking skeleton, and blow my lips off, he is a walking skeleton. I used to be skinny, but this guy is Dachau skinny. Bale explained that in order to get that thin, he stopped eating. Period. Full stop. Seriously, take a look at the following period. <- That's the part where you pause to take it all in.

This guy must've dropped at lest 60 pounds. Then he gained it all back again in about 4 months to start shooting Batman. People aren't supposed to do that, that's not right. I thought De Niro was hardcore, but look at this guy. This guy would hang from his arms for a year so he could play John McCain in some election movie. This guy would have a pillow surgically inserted into his neck so he could play George Lucus. Don't fuck around with this guy. You can keep your pride, we all understand, but just walk away. Christian Bale is crazier than Daffy Duck, and Daffy Duck is a flippin' cartoon! Throw this mofo in some more movies. He's almost a Crispin Glover, for the luv'a pete!

So, like I said, good movie. The clavicles alone are worth the price of admission. Take 'Lost Highway' and 'Memento', squeeze 'em together like a red and white gummi bear. Real hard, so when you chew it's like you just invented magic. And that's about what you get with 'The Machinist'. Also, rent 'American Psycho' if you still haven't seen it.

Actor's Spotlight: Philip Seymour Hoffman

What's your favorite Hoffman performance? Tricky ain't it? This cat has been in a boondoggle basketfull of movies. I'll list a few of my faves to try and help you decide:

Punch-Drunk Love (2002) -Dean Trumbell:

Dean Trumbell: Shut up! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, SHUT UP! Are you threatening me?
Barry: Umm... yeah.
Dean Trumbell: That wasn't good. You're dead.

Almost Famous (2000) -Lester Bangs:

Lester Bangs: Oh man, you made friends with 'em. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong.
William Miller: Well, it was fun.
Lester Bangs: Because they make you feel cool, and hey, I met you. You are not cool.

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) -Freddie Miles:

Freddie Miles: Tommy. How's the peeping? Tommy, how's the peeping? Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy.

Magnolia (1999) - Phil:

Phil Parma: Do you know that every other word you use is either 'shit', 'fuck', 'balls' or 'cocksucker'?
Earl Partridge: Could you do me a personal favor?
Phil Parma: Go fuck myself?
Earl Partridge: You got it.

Happiness (1998) -Allen:

Allen: Censored

The Big Lebowski (1998) -Brandt:

The Big Lebowski: Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum.
Brandt: We've been frantically trying to reach you, Dude.

Boogie Nights (1997) -Scotty:

Scotty: Dirk?
Dirk: What? What is it Scotty?
Scotty: Can you come look at my new car now, please?
Dirk: Sure..

-----
Frikkin' awesome. All of 'em. We'll go ahead and sweep 'Flawless' (1999) under the rug right now. Anything recent work with De Niro usually makes me feel sad. Not Tammy Faye sad. But, still, pretty sad.

I'll come clean with my favorite performance. Scotty from Boogie Nights. It takes some balls to throw yourself into a role like that. But Hoffman pulls it off perfectly. According to P.T. Anderson. The two-sizes-too-small tanktops were all Hoffmans idea. He's constantly tugging down at the hem of his shirt in every scene, unless he has his arms crossed protectively across his chest... "I'm a fuggin' idiot. I'm a fuggin' idiot. Fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot...". Have you seen a sadder role than this? Now compare him to the evil bastard he plays in 'Punch-Drunk Love', "Are *you* threatening *me*?", now the high society prude in 'The Talented Mr. Ripley', Ripley: "What are you trying to say?"
Freddie: "I think I'm saying it.".

It's like that one guy who introduces the Violent Femmes on that one album: "You cannot Fuck with this band! You *cannot* Fuck with this band!". That sums up how I feel about a genuine, flatout Philip Seymour Hoffman performance.

That mofo has got a wider range than all the Maytag ovens... spread clear across Montana and into the majestic plains.

Mr. Seymour Hoffman, I salute you.

*toot!*

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Movie: 'Lawrence of Arabia'
Genre: Dramedy with a heaping spoonful of Epic
Rating: 8.0

What a sausagefest.
'A little more schnitzel, sir?'
'No, thank you, my plate is full.'

Apparently there was a 00.3/99.7 girl to guy ratio. And even that gal didn't get to speak a line.

I kinda liked this movie though. It had real honest train wrecks and a heap'um big gaggle of soldiers, it felt like close to ten thousand soldiers lined up into 2 lines just smashing into each other. Kaboom. We love that. And the s'ploding trainwrecks. They should throw some Hendrix over those in the special edition.

Peter O'Tool is a superstar in this thing. I don't know if there's any existing footage of the real D.H. Lawrence, but O'Tool is the real deal. He does this thing with his eyes that makes me pause the movie to make more popcorn. His character is kinda like 'William Randolf Hearst' or 'Citizen Kane of Arabia'. He is a wibble wobble nutcase that everyone loved to kick back with. At one point he's staring calmly down at a dying Turk who is trying to fire a few rounds into his melon. Invincablity complex and all that, oh yeah, and again with the eyes. I think they ripped this off in 'Shanghai Noon' (2000) where Owen Wilson makes it through a barrage of bullets unscathed. Then think's he's invincable and all that, except for the eyes.

Lawrence: 'I'm not hurt at all. Didn't you know? They can only kill me with a golden bullet.'

Maybe a better comparison would be 'Patton' (1970). Totally a better comparison. Ignore all that bubble gum in the last paragraph, it makes me look shallow... And I'm, like, totally pretending to be educated right now.

Lawrence's own book, 'Seven Pillars of Wisdom' was the prime, almost only source for the screen-play. It is a long book, diffuse and detailed. Ten different dramas could be got from it. To choose which tenth you are going to take for your drama is an impudent exercise but must be done. You will choose of course what seems to you the most important tenth. Which tenth seems to you the most important, and why, will depend on yourself, not Lawrence…

I totally just stole that quote from the screenwriter, Robert Bolt. But it's certainly fancy. Chew on that, mofo's.

Alec Guiness is in this movie, but his gettup was so distracting. Everytime he's on screen I feel like it's Peter Sellers doing an impression of Alec Guiness doing an impression of an Arab. It made me a little dizzy, and I think I missed a fair part of the movie 'cause my mind wandered to how Peter Sellers rocks like the Ramones.

The re-release I rented was 'seen as the director meant you to see it'. This means that you listen to the overture played behind a blank screen for 10 MINUTES before we see picture. At the intermission too. Really? That's retarded. I tried to listen to the opening overture, but I only made it through because I had my David Sedaris book with me. Fastfowarded through the intermission, you can't hold me prisoner, Mr. Director. I think you're dead now anyhow. This added to the already painful 210 minutes of desert and C.O. headquarters. People aren't built for that anymore. It took me 2 nights to get through this one.

Anyway, to finish, I gave this movie an extra ratings boost because of the subtle anti-war message and the carmelized epicness.

Lawrence: 'Nothing is written.'

Kinsey (2004)

Movie: 'Kinsey'
Genre: Biographical
Rating: 7.5/10

Top 5 lessons learned from 'Kinsey':

1. That Al Kinsey had a penis large enough to catch people off guard.

2. That Clara Kinsey may be the poster girl for co-dependant masochism.

3. That John Lithgow can still work his preacher skills as good as he ever did in 'Footloose' (1984). Folks, that's twenty years of perma-sealed preachery.

4. That Liam Neeson, Laura Linney, and their make-up artists did an awesome job aging their characters twenty-odd years in two hours. Their adolescent beer-runs must have been absolutely spectacular. "Give me a keg of beer... and these."

5. To Peter Sarsgaard, 'Garden State', 'Kinsey'... You're on your way to the world of appreciation. Your complimentary tote bag was shipped yesterday.

---

This movie was well made, but there was no way it would have been made if 'A Beautiful Mind' (2001) didn't recieve the critical praise and oscars that it did. I don't pretend to know how the Hollywood executive machine works, but, c'mon?... Saving Private Ryan ('98)/The Thin Red Line ('98); Life is Beautiful ('97)/Jacob the Liar ('99); Platoon ('86)/Full Metal Jacket ('87); Armaggedon ('98)/Deep Impact ('98)... the last couple weren't exactly Oscar bound, but there's heaps more of those (Dante's Peak/Volcano, etc.)

So, while 'Beautiful Mind' was nominated for 8 Oscars and won 4, 'Kinsey' was nominated for 1 and won... 1. That seems just about fair to me.
The studio wanted another 'Beautiful Mind', only different, so how about adding a couple'a dirty pillows and a wobbly willy? Sex! The performances were solid throughout, but the subject material itself... Why?
So, Kinsey was some dude who got tired of studying the same flippin' species of wasp for over a decade. A Scientist in his thirties who had never gotten jiggy with a gal. That guy was backed up like a fire hydrant. When he finally got his swerve on with Laura Linney (much respect), he suddenly got tired of bugs and got all up in the hootinanny.

Kinsey was no where near as interesting as Russel Crowe's 'John Nash'. The former was bat-shit insane and a mathamatical genius. Kinsey was just this obsessive nutjob who, nowadays, would be medicated just enough to not be interesting. The movie left me thinking that he was just in the right place at the right time. He's no hero enough to be celebrated. Dr. Ruth would've been better, but then it couldn't have been a period piece a'la 'Beautiful Mind'.

In retrospect the script felt a little piecemeal. But it wasn't a bad movie, it was well acted. And, again, over twenty years in 2 hours, gold star.

I'll wrap it up by saying that you do see Peter Sarsgaard's old fella, whether you're seeking it or running away, it's in there.

Batman Begins (2005)

Movie: 'Batman Begins'
Genre: Comicbook enterprise
Rating: 8.5/10

I didn't expect anything short of at least some kind of improvement over 'Batman Forever' or 'Batman and Robin', whatever the hell they were called. With the bat nipples and the bat-ski thingy and the Schwarzenegger that looked like he just stepped off the set of a Japanese soda pop ad. I mean, those were bad. So, so bad. Only not the kind so atrociaously bad that it's fun, like 'Plan 9 from outer Space' or 'Showgirls'. The kind of bad that's Just plain embarrassing and fills you with Elliot Smith sadness.

I reserve this catagory for Star Wars episodes I & II, which were a couple of shit sandwiches. The Marketing campaign drove the masses into a frenzy, "This is the One! This is the one that will make it worth having to watch the other two!'. They Believed, they wanted it so badly, they knew it to be true. Lucas had stoned them into such a bleeding mass and they knew they would become healed and rejuvinated by the Rapture that was known as 'Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith'.

And then it happened. It hit the screen. It made $50,000,000 in one day. And the midnight fanatics rejoiced. 'All is well, the movie has brought balance back to our troubled world.", "That was maybe the best Star Wars ever", "Ð4r7h V4d3r W007!!!!!". So I went to see it, knowing that it was going to suck. And that it was to be a bad bad dirty thing.

A lot of people say 'Yeah, but there's so much more awesome compared to those other two'. Friends, that's like comparing a shit sandwich to a shit sandwich with cheese. Can we please have a moment for all those who worked on this slop heap. The vfx work, the prop and set production, the dude who holds the reflective ball for the fx boys. Please, a somber tribute to the skilled craftmanship that was sunk by the screenplay and direction of Mr. George Lucas. *cue Elliot Smith music* And to all the Australian set workers who built those gorgeous sets, thinking they'd get their name in the credits to impress their kids. They sure did:

"A special thanks to the Australia Construction Crew"... That was it. For the entire crew. Now their kids think they are fakes and hate them.

The movie went down in a pillar of flame that decimated the 2,200 fx shots entangled in the storyline*. But a new creature arose from the charred debris. They are known as the 'Star Wars Apologists', and lo, their numbers are great. Having invested so much of themselves into the Star Wars dynasty, they cannot be swayed from their insistance that Episode III is a good movie. It's best not to approach these creatures, they are almost always indistinguishable from the 'normies'. But when cornered, their defensive instincts are cunning, baffling and powerful. Early stages of agression involve the emition of vacuous trivia and wet hot spittle. It's downhill from there. Walk away.

Enough with that god damn tangent. See how Lucas is compromising the structure of society? Damn. That fool just wasted another 10 minutes of my life. One day I'm gonna collect that *plus* interest. Chineck Bitch. You don't know how I roll.

What I'm getting around too, is the hoopla that surrounded this movie. I flat out refused to have anything to do with that. I'm an evolved primate. I know how to use tools and I know how to stay away from big budget cesspools. So the same people I know went to see it and came out declaring it was 'the one', 'the best', 'b4tm4n 1$ th3 t1t$'. I called bullshit, and planned on going to the new Miyazaki movie. But an old friend called and invited me to this inevitable disaster. So, somehow I ended up at the theater waiting for the battyness to descend.

You know what? Fuck me if that wasn't a good movie. There was no opening title sequence, so don't sit there expecting one, like I did. I thought Nolan was gonna pull an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' (2004) thing on us. Where the credits don't start till 20 minutes into the movie. But, there aren't any, so relax and enjoy this thing.

The got together an incredible cast for this movie, and the cast gives an extraordinary performance for a comicbook movie. Maybe better than 'Superman II' (1980). We have Katie Holmes (pre-Cruise) giving what is likely to be her last good perfomance. We also got some Liam Neeson (this guy is good, forgiving Episode I), Michael Caine (How's it feel acting *under* the top there Michael? Keep it up), Morgan Freeman (add this guys voice to a movie and it'll make money: Shawshank, Million Dollar Baby, etc.), Gary Oldman (a frickin' chameleon as Commissioner Gordon), (Cillian Murphy, I'm always impreses with the american accents these kids can pull off).

This thing actually had a story. It made sense. It was kinda plausable in a 'Enter the Dragon' kinda way. Not like mutant 'tards like poison ivy and mr. Freeze. The effects were brilliant, kudo's to 'Moving Picture' on that one. Story plot points seperated, intertwined, and came back together again. Amazing. Remember back when, when that was expected?

I also liked the little things that nobody but fanboys would pick-up on. In this case it was the scars of 'Zsasz' visable in a courtroom scene. Just like seeing Kitty Pryde, Jubilee, Iceman, and Colossus around the school grounds in 'X-men'. Just a little something to let the fanboys feel special. Or, more likely, hear them sayin', "Dude, Colossus was totally in that one scene, aw man, you gotta go see it again."

Only complaint is the one I've heard from a few people already. The edits on the fighting scenes were bad enough to scar this flick. Just a little. *Another* half-second close-up of a fist mashing a hoodlum? Really? Another one? Can I see who that fist belongs to? O.k... maybe the whole arm at least? I'm not talking about when he's jusst yanking people in the shadows, because that was awesome. That's what the Batman does. The full out brawls, however, were edited poorly. Ain't it a shame?
Also, the train reminded me of that episode of the Simpsons where the traveling salesman sells 'em a Monorail:

"Where you sent here by the devil?
No, good sir, I'm on the level."

That song tickles me.

So there we have it: Great movie. A bit of a clumsy ending. One lady in the audience yelled "Why!?', three times.
Because it's a franchise, you circus monkey. Go do your circus thing out on the front lawn with your handlers.

I'd put this one on par or better than Burton's 1st Batman with Keaton and Nicholson. I'm sure this is gonna be a hot topic when the apologists run out of people who'll listen.

And, last but not least... Crispin Glover *is* the 'Joker' in the next Batman. Blow it all the fuck out. You only live once. Seriously, crap your pants and start pushing things over. This is the greatest news since Drew Barrymore decided to pose in Playboy (she was way hot back when I was a softmore in '92, sample a few 'Guess Ads' for confirmation).

---
Final question/survey: Who would win in a fight between Batman and a Polar Bear? No Utility Belt, just Bruce Wayne vs. a large angry Polar Bear.


* Please see the following website that best explains my feelings of Episode III: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=episode3

Maria Full of Grace (2004)

Movie: 'Maria Full of Grace'
Genre: Spanish Puller of the Heartstrings
Rating: 7/10

The actress who plays Maria could get by on looks alone, but hey, maybe she can actually act to boot. Her body language and emotion seemed about right, but this flick is Spanish with English subtitles, so you get to prescribe her whatever level of performance you want, usually best ever, if you're like me. That's why I love Japanese and Spanish Cinema, 'cause those mofo's could be virtual Paul Newman's and Audrey Hepburn's for all I know. And that's what makes seminal foriegn movies frikkin' amesome.

Maybe 'Crouching Tiger...' and 'Hero' had subpar acting approaching that of 'Glitter' (2001), or 'House of Wax' (2005). But a lot of 'em sure are are purdy. My poor mother misses out on most of these, because she hates the subtitles. Can you imagine? No: 'Amelie'(2001), 'Leon' (1994), 'City of God' (2002), 'Oldboy' (2003) all the Hayao Miyazaki and Akira Kurosawa masterworks... Unless you rent the fetid english dubbed versions *retch*. And I don't even think that's arguable for blind people.

Back to the movie. It's no big spoiler that this film is about drug mules. You kinda get that from the cover, unless you think some priest ran out of wafers and substituted hard boiled eggs.

You follow Maria's journey from underpaid columbian flower shop/factory worker. Stripping roses of their thorns. Maybe this is a little foreshadowing 'eh? Something about Maria's personality, or impending transformation? I honestly don't know, It's a bit of a stretch if it's meant to be anything of meaning. Anyway, the best thing this movie had going for it, was the chronicling of the actual process of smugling heroin, using your stomach. It had a 'Traffic' (2000) vibe to it. Like a semi-fictional documentary.

That's about all it had going for it, other than the leads good looks, the rest of the story felt like it was there as padding to wrap around the raw details of being a heroin mule. Some people would probably argue with me on that one. But I think, as a drama, it just didn't pan out. There was no real morality lesson, and you left with a sense of hope. It felt as though a producer had a few lines and plot points changed in order to get funding and a green light to make this one.

One last thing, there's a big advertisement you can make out behind Maria as she's exiting the airport, you've got a second before it blurs out of focus...

'It's what's inside that counts.'

Clever.

Actor's Spotlight: Crispin Glover

I didn't have a chance to finish my movie last night. So, I thought today would be a good opportunity to celebrate Crispin Glover.

Crispin Hellion Glover is a god damn genius. He unsettling, moody and quirky both on screen and off. He's tragically underused in recent cinema. This is probably, in large part, owed to the lawsuit he brought against Steven Spielburg... And won. After the success of 'Back to the Future' (1985), Spielburg immediatly wanted to produce a couple of sequels. When Glover was approached about reprising his role of 'George McFly', Crispin declined, instead wanting to pursue work in independant projects. Spielburg solved this problem by using previously shot footage of Glover and a look-a-like in prosthetic make-up. Crispin was understandably upset by this, and took Spielburg to court. The court sided with Glover, and a new precident for the Screen Actors Guild was set.

Crispin Glover has subsequently been mostly offered only small roles, but steals the scene every time. Look for him in 'Wild at Heart' (1990), 'The Doors' (1991), 'Dead Man' (1995), 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' (1993), 'Even Cowgirls Get the Blues' (1993), and 'The People vs. Larry Flynt' (1996). He has also played the lead in 'Willard' (2001) and 'Bartleby' (2003)

For me, the quintisential Crispin Glover movie is 'Rivers Edge' (1996). The movie also stars Dennis Hopper, Ione Skye and Keannu Reeves, but not one of them can approach the screen presence of Crispin Glover as 'Layne'. He crushes! Against Dennis Hopper *even*!. You owe it to yourself to see this film. The story is based on an actual event that went down in Milpitas, California. Despite the insane storyline, the best moments belong to Crispin Glover. His line's and delivery are among the most quotable of all cinema.

Layne: The *things* I do for my *fucking* *friends*.
-
Layne: I'm gonna put another quarter in this machine and take over the fuckin' universe.
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Layne: ...and then one of us gets himself in potentially BIG trouble, and now we've gotta deal with it; we've got to test our loyalty against ALL odds. It's kind of... exciting. I feel like... Chuck Norris, y'know?
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Layne: Whaddya do you think? It runs on God's own methane?
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Layne: Budweiser? You'd think that'd at least rate a Michelobe... And it's *warm* *even*.

He is also the only reason 'Charlie's Angels' (2000) is worth watching, unlesss you're into the softest of softcore porn imagery. His turn as the villanous 'Thin Man' is worth watching a second time, as he has been confirmed to star as 'The Joker' in the next Batman movie. Perfect. The high kicks he performs are reminescent of his infamous David Letterman show, where he acted extremely disoriented before raising from his chair and rocketing a high-kick inches away from Letterman's face. The show cut to commercial and Glover has been banned from the show.

Glover is also an author, and has directed his own feature film, 'What Is It?' (2000), bizarrely featuring only actors with Down's Syndrome. I have yet to see this work, so I won't comment on it.

But there you have it. The fucking genius that is Crispin Hellion Glover. For reals.

In the Name of the Father (1993)

Movie: 'In the Name of the Father'
Genre: Drama, contemporary historic account
Rating: 8/10

Holy Mother! Can we please have some more buildings exploding while Hendrix thrashes on his guitar? You can't fuck with that. This movie's 1st act was as solid as an Everlasting Gobstopper. The footrace through Belfast had as much energy as the shoplifting scene from 'Trainspotting', only longer and with more goods, like an Irish Coffee with free refills. Daniel Day Lewis is a frikkin' all-star, not matter how you slice your meat. In this movie he was directed by the same guy who gave Lewis his turn as Christie Brown in 'My Left Foot' (another outstanding piece of work). Here he plays Gerry Conlon, a member of the Guildford Four who were falsely arrested and imprisoned for the bombing of an English pub, which killed 5 and injured a hundred.

There are some interesting parallels to be drawn from the then creation of Northern Ireland's 'Prevention of Terrorist Act' and the current U.S. 'Patriot Act', the latter created almost thirty years later. Both acts strip suspects of their civil liberties, and this film portrays the process in an unsettling way. It'd be great if the Senate had a mandatory sleepover and watched this movie in their jammies.

Gerry Conlon's father is played by Pete Postlethwaite, he played Kobayashi in 'The Usual Suspects', remember? "My name is Kobayashi. I work for Kayser Soze.". That dude is awesome.

There's some good scenes in the prison, but I think the screenplay went a little soft on what the experience must have been like. There are some bunking arrangements that were obviously augmented. Hold up... Maybe I'm straying a little from the fact that Hendrix and explosions are terrifically underused in contemporary cinema.

1st act was the awesome, 2nd act was beautifully acted, 3rd act felt a little rushed. But compounded with the performances of Daniel Day Lewis, Pete Postlethwaite, and the deft adroitness of Ms. Emma Thompson and you've got yourself a solid movie. Go ahead and check it out.

Boom.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

Movie: 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow'
Genre: Action, stylized 'look what I can do with my computer' tomfoolery
Rating: 2/10

I came home last night ready to watch 'In the Name of the Father' (1993), but my roommate had beat me to my DVD player and was just starting to watch 'Sky Captain'.

"Have you seen this already?", she asked.
"Uhhhh, not all the way through. I lasted about 20 minutes before I gave up on it."
"I can go watch it my room if you want."
"No, give it a go. Maybe you'll be into it."
"Prolly not, my friends hated it too."

God damn, this movie is a slop heap.
The post-production guys went apeshit with the edge glow filter and highlighting the actors eyes, 1930's style. This was a Hail Mary play, an effort to hide that the whole thing looks like it was a student final at the Art Academy. The robots are a total rip-off of 'Iron Giant', only stupid and made out of tinkertoys.
I heard the director started working on it in his garage, then managed to get funding for some recognizable talent. Most of whom lean more towards recognizable than talented. I think it's safe to assume that at least 80% of the budget found it's way into the actors pockets.

Jude Law: Gosh, he's purdy. I can't think of a single movie I've enjoyed of his, 'cept maybe 'The Talented Mr. Ripley' and 'Closer'. But that's just because he got destroyed in both of 'em.

Gwyneth Paltrow: A walking Gap ad with all the complexity of a wood nail. This chick got an oscar? Can I get one too?

Angelina Jolie: Apparently I'm in the sliver of a minority who doesn't even think this gal is homecoming queen material. Can someone with the right qualifications drain those lips before she has trouble breathing through her nostrils. Didn't she win something too? I hate awards. Send this woman back to her peacework in Africa, where the locals can marvel that each of her lips are wider than their arms.

Giovanni Ribisi: I like this guy. 'Saving Private Ryan', 'Lost in Translation', 'Suburbia'... That's good enough for me. So his agent fucked up and got him involved in this train wreck. Whaddaya gonna do?

So, I told my roommate to give it ago, and she did. I lasted the same 20 minutes, I heard her shut it down after 30. Good for her. Maybe if the movie had the theme from 'Rocky' continously playing in the background, we could go even longer. It's like climbing those steps with Tapatio sauce in your eyes and loose change jammed into your ear canal.

If anyone has seen this all the way through, let me know if it gets anymore watchable, or, more likely, if you found yourself coughing up lung butter.

In America (2002)

Movie: 'In America'
Genre: Drama, Family grows closer through hard times.
Rating: 6.5/10

What a load of trollop. I don't know who this movie was made for. It has an Irish family in it. Apparently that alone convinced the producers to sink an assload of cash into this film.

I call this the 'Are You Being Served?' phenomenon. An atrocious British sitcom that has been in U.S syndication for at least a decade. How is this possible? They all have british accents. This seems to seruptitously elevate the one of the lowest of the low-brow sitcoms into a sophisticated comedy for the american masses. Please note that this only works one way across the Atlantic. If 'Married with Children' was exported to the U.K., the simultanious mashings of remote control 'off' buttons would cause orbiting satellites to veer from their orbits. Thus causing a telecommunication blackout that, in all likelyhood, would be blamed on the French.

The actors were pretty good, seeing as what they had to work with. I feel like I know the black guy from something else, like 'Amistad' or something, but I've never even seen that movie. I'm pretty sure the female lead was the mute girl from 'Sweet and Lowdown' (awesome movie), but she was a lot better when she was mute. The lead actor was nothing special, kinda like a younger Gabriel Byrne. The best of the bunch were the two little girls, outstanding work, the only thing that kept me from turning it off.

So, rent it if you like Irish accents. Or, maybe if you're a U2 freak. But don't be expecting any U2. Freak.