Hostage (2005)
Title: 'Hostage' (2005)
Genre: *nnnnnnnnnngghhh.... hooooork.... spliatsplotsplitfluhptlop*
Rating: 3/10
"The Negotiator meets Panic Room'. This was written on the DVD sleeve I picked up at Blockbuster. I swear on my giblets.
Why did I rent this? To be fair, it was midnight after a long day of moving into my new place. I had 'The 3rd Man' (1949) in one hand, and 'Hostage' (2005) in the other. My synapses were so shot that I made an executive decision to save 3rd Man for a later date and just rent something I could at least have fun ripping on. 'The Negotiator meets Panic Room'? And Bruce Willis to boot? I'm hoppin' on this friggin' train wreck just like Bruce did in that other movie... 'Unbreakable' (2000). Remember? The one that had five minutes of good and 102 minutes of 'Fuck, I knew I shoulda gone with 'Charlie's Angels' instead.'.
-----
Open: Hollywood Exec Penthouse Office.
A cigar smoking meatball questions his assistant:
See here, 'The Negotiator' made some money, but could it have been better?
I guess it coulda been set it in Suburbia...
Roll with it... What's at stake?
Um, a teenage girl.
Hmmm. I like it. Who's holding her hostage?
Arabs.
Good. Can we get Spacey again?
He's busy.
Harrison Ford?
Busy.
Cruise?
No way.
Damn it. I'm not settling for Willis again.
Noted.
Why are these Arabs in suburbia?
Good point, let's make 'em... Teenage delinquents.
I like it. Wait... Have you seen the returns on this 'Panic Room' show?
We can add one of those.
Perfect. How does the negotiator know what's going on in the house?
Um... A little boy?... Sir.
Nice. Make him 8.
Will do.
How does he do it? What did they do in this Panic Room?
Cell phone, sir. And security monitors.
No security monitors. Bor-ing.
Um... Crawls through secret tunnels?
Bingo. Why do we give a shit about the negotiator?
Let's kidnap his kids too.
Now we're talking. Can you rub a little harder on the left?....
-----
And thus, a heap of shit is borne of such wasteful proportions that the entire IHOP franchise is swallowed by a subspacial reasonability rift and the sky glows an umber red of shame.
Also, Kevin Pollak is in this. I was teetering on the edge, but now I hate him.
The end.
Genre: *nnnnnnnnnngghhh.... hooooork.... spliatsplotsplitfluhptlop*
Rating: 3/10
"The Negotiator meets Panic Room'. This was written on the DVD sleeve I picked up at Blockbuster. I swear on my giblets.
Why did I rent this? To be fair, it was midnight after a long day of moving into my new place. I had 'The 3rd Man' (1949) in one hand, and 'Hostage' (2005) in the other. My synapses were so shot that I made an executive decision to save 3rd Man for a later date and just rent something I could at least have fun ripping on. 'The Negotiator meets Panic Room'? And Bruce Willis to boot? I'm hoppin' on this friggin' train wreck just like Bruce did in that other movie... 'Unbreakable' (2000). Remember? The one that had five minutes of good and 102 minutes of 'Fuck, I knew I shoulda gone with 'Charlie's Angels' instead.'.
-----
Open: Hollywood Exec Penthouse Office.
A cigar smoking meatball questions his assistant:
See here, 'The Negotiator' made some money, but could it have been better?
I guess it coulda been set it in Suburbia...
Roll with it... What's at stake?
Um, a teenage girl.
Hmmm. I like it. Who's holding her hostage?
Arabs.
Good. Can we get Spacey again?
He's busy.
Harrison Ford?
Busy.
Cruise?
No way.
Damn it. I'm not settling for Willis again.
Noted.
Why are these Arabs in suburbia?
Good point, let's make 'em... Teenage delinquents.
I like it. Wait... Have you seen the returns on this 'Panic Room' show?
We can add one of those.
Perfect. How does the negotiator know what's going on in the house?
Um... A little boy?... Sir.
Nice. Make him 8.
Will do.
How does he do it? What did they do in this Panic Room?
Cell phone, sir. And security monitors.
No security monitors. Bor-ing.
Um... Crawls through secret tunnels?
Bingo. Why do we give a shit about the negotiator?
Let's kidnap his kids too.
Now we're talking. Can you rub a little harder on the left?....
-----
And thus, a heap of shit is borne of such wasteful proportions that the entire IHOP franchise is swallowed by a subspacial reasonability rift and the sky glows an umber red of shame.
Also, Kevin Pollak is in this. I was teetering on the edge, but now I hate him.
The end.
posted by Kong at
11:10 AM
1 Comments:
Kevin Pollak hasn't made a good movie since Usual Suspects. And let's face it, he ain't the reason it's a great flick...
By
Drew, at 10:32 PM
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