Hollywood Homicide (2003)

Title: 'Hollywood Homicide' (2003)
Genre: Genocide
Rating: 3/10

Anatomy of a bullshit DVD case:

Grey = Actual Copy on case
Color = Bullshit level (see below)

Orange = Not true. Would crumble before any investigational committee

Brown = Odorous. A lie so wrong it makes medicine sick.

Red = Heretic level bullshit. A total fucking misnomer and a threat to decency.

(Cover)
"Two Thumbs Up!" -Ebert and Roeper
I'm usually with these guys. They make a pretty decent living at this right? Apparently, not quite enough. There is no other explanation for this one. Ebert gave this pile of muck three stars!. Sorry Timmy, there's no such thing as an honest critic. Siskel is dead.

(Back)
"Hollywood Homicide will keep you on the edge of your seat with its adrenaline pumped action!" -Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine
Keep your eye out for 'Earl Dittman'. He's what's known as a 'whore'. And 'Wireless Magazine'? It doesn't exist. I dare you to find me proof of a single issue. Here are a few of Earl Dittman's other judgments:

"Robert De Niro and Billy Crystal are outrageously hilarious! Their performances are what comedic legends are made of." - Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines, on Analyze That

"Matthew Perry and Elizabeth Hurley make an irresistible screen team in this sexy, zany and over the top road movie that breaks all the rules!", Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines, on Serving Sara

or how about,

"White Oleander has Oscar written all over it." - Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine

"K-19: The Widowmaker is a cinematic triumph that has Academy Awards written all over it." - Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines

You get the idea.

From Oscar Nominee Ron Shelton (Best Writing, Best Screenplay, 'Bull Durham') Not nominated: 'Bad Boys II', 'Play it to the Bone', 'Tin Cup'. How in the holy hell is this guy in charge of anything? this hot action comedy is guaranteed to keep you on the edge of your seat... And in stitches Apparently this is their way of describing the feeling that fills a room when some dork rents this movie and nobody has the balls to stop it. Everyone sits in uncomfortable, oppressive silence ('edge of your seat') until somebody snaps and donkey punches the host ('stitches'). Starring Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett, Hollywood Homicide redefines the buddy-cop genre Bullshit! This even contradicts the Director's Commentary on the DVD. I listened to a little, sick, I know, but I couldn't believe that anyone would openly accept responsibility for any of this. I was half right. Ron Sheltons first words are 'So, I intended this to be a big summer buddy cop picture'. Balls! In Hollywood no one is sure what they really want to be What? Unlike where? Cleveland?. Veteran police detective Joe Gavellan (Ford) and his rookie partner, K.C. Holden (Hartnett) are no exception. Between Joe's struggling real estate business and K.C.'s fledgling acting career and Yoga instruction, they've got a major murder case to solve. With both Internal Affairs and their main suspect on their tails, Joe and K.C. have to infiltrate the dangerous world of the hip-hop recording industry I am not amused, hear me groan. Juggling two careers proves to be a comical adventure Bullshit! Steaming, runny bullshit. This 'adventure' is as comical as 'Trial at Nurenberg', with Joe and K.C. hoping to stay alive long enough to catch their breath These actors have enough trouble conveying 'sentient', let alone any feeling of hope.

This movie is a fucking gall stone, man. I sat through it so I could give it a balanced review, but holy fuck, what a god damn bear.

There's nothing of redemption in this thing at all. It's just colossally depressing. You feel terrible for everyone involved. Especially the actors, who always place their trust in the director to make them look good. Ford comes across as a curmudgeoney buffoon and Hartnett as an inept neophyte. Puke.

Seriously. Judgement: Blarghhhh.