Crash (2004)

Title: 'Crash' (2004)
Genre: Rad Drama
Rating: 8.5/10

So, before we go any further, let's clarify that this isn't that fucked up Canadian movie of the same title from '96 about the stupidest sexual deviancy ever since Adam and Eve got into that whole fruit fiasco. The older movie involved blood, semen and transmission fluid. That's the one that, shockingly, starred James Spader and Holly Hunter. Stupid enough to be remembered in a way that makes you steer clear. I think that they made the title, 'Crash', forever bad for box office. And let's not forget the incredible acting range of James Spader. Intense/creepy, intense/obsessed, intense/contemptuous, intense/creep... Shit. About as much range as Foster Farms. Get your taint off my movie title! 'Cause this is a good'un.

This 'Crash' has a friggin' amazing ensemble cast. Put on your shades, here we go... Don Cheadle (always A+ work), Ryan Phillippe (pretty boy makes good), Tony Danza (who knew he could act? He's almost unrecognizable), Ludacris (see Tony Danza), Marina Sirtis (the Psychic gal from Star Trek, see Ludacris), Lorenz Tate, Terrence Howard, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Esposito, (if you don't know those names now, this is the kind of movie that'll get them work and make'em famous). The Fucking Drugstore Cowboy himself, Matt Dillon (we don't see enough of him, he rocks it like Jimmy Page). On the flip side we have Sandra Bullock and Brandon Frasier. Get this... I heard, from a trusted friend at Lions Gate Films, that if you hold up a black light to the screen during any of Bullock's or Frasier's scenes, they have Give Me an Oscar written all big and bold on their foreheads.

So, instead of people getting their jolly rodgers off on crashing their Buick Legacies into brick walls, this movie is about race and racism. And it is really, really well done. You're given the opportunity to see things from everyone's point of view, and it is pretty ugly. All of the characters have faults, which make them even more accessible to assholes like you and me. Except for the middle eastern people, they seem to be extra specially of the asshole elite. Seriously, it wasn't just me, it was the writing, yeah? That dude was a dickbag. But, like I said, they're all fucknards to some extent. But, for reals, the middle eastern dude, Count Crapula, right? Fucking A, right. I don't know why I'm even asking.

Matt Dillon eschews every scene that he's in. It's like the background of the shot gets peeled away and hung up like a hammock, and he's just kinda kickin' back, eating the other actors like peeled grapes. Swingin' in the breeze and scratchin' his balls, if he feels the need.

I knocked a slice off the rating because they made it snow in L.A.. That's just retarded. At first they're like 'Look! It's starting to snow! For Reals!'
And you're all, 'Man, don't even. I was about to give you the friggin' award already, don't make it snow. That's so desperate. Awwwwww, come on. Don't be a retard.'
But then they're like, 'Dude, we gotcha! It's totally not snowing! HaHA!'

And you're super stoked, 'Phew. Yeah buddy! You totally had me. Sweet Baby Jesus, now I wanna give you this award even more. Holy crap. Let's go get a drink'.
And, just as you're getting your keys, they say, 'Ummmm. Here's some snow.'
But this time you double check, cause you don't trust 'em so much. But it's fucking snowing for real! In LA! 'Fuck, man. Why the...?' But, by the time you've finished your sentence, they've cut a huge fart and run outta the room.

Let's set that aside. The movie itself is like, if 'Magnolia' (1999) and 'Traffic' (2000) blew a baby out of their cervix. I was just thinking the other day how much I would pay to see 15 extra minutes of 'Full Metal Jacket' (1987) bootcamp scenes, or more 'Trainspotting' (1996, which, I hear, is on the way in another decade). Well this is kinda like that. I love 'Traffic' and 'Magnolia', and this certainly feels like it's one of the family. If that's not an endorsement, I don't know what else I can tell you... How about, 'Get off'a my fuckin' website'.

Recommended.