Runaway Bride (1999)

Title: 'Runaway Bride'
Genre: Hollywood Horseshit
Rating: 1/10 (I've gotta save those '0's for something truly tragic)

My mom was watching this while I was eating dinner last night, and my Spinach Fettucine almost made a 2nd appearance. This movie makes we want to take 80mg's of Valium and just try to sleep it all off.

Here's how bat-shit-crazy hollywood is: They somehow found success with a movie based on Sleeping Beauty, only with an Investment Banker and a Prostitute. TRIVIA TIME!: The working title of 'Pretty Woman' (1990) was '$3,000'. Which still sounds like a few thousand more than I'd risk if I were a financier. But, as it goes, in this cripplingly illogical world of ours, it was a huge commercial success.

Cut to nine years later where, surprisingly, Disney's crack team of screenwriters have proven unsuccessful in producing a sequel for the ole' 'Well-to-do Gentleman aquires broke-ass Prostitute' picture. Disney's in a corner, it needs to do something fast, 'cause thse actors are about to hit the wall.

In reality, of course, these actors hit the wall quite some time ago. Julia Roberts looks much like Katherine Helmond in that scene in 'Brazil' (1985), where the cosmetic doctor is stretching her face out like a trophy racoon skin. And Richard Gere's make-up department went on to win its first oscar in 2003 for Lord of the Rings.

But wait, they think, let's also throw in the consierge from 'Pretty Woman' and it will totally gel together and make millions.

So, with the Tuned-up Trifecta in tow, they set the lights and start shooting a, um, they're filming this, thing, with cameras and everything. Seriously, there are even paychecks transferring back and forth. They will out-do their 'Pretty Woman' success and ride those rolling slopes of cash into the new millenia.

*Drumroll*

'Pretty Woman' Budget: $12,000,000 Gross: $463,400,000
'Runaway Bride' Budget: $70,000,000 Gross: $152,149,590

What a shock.

Pretty Woman had a crushing 556% profit return, while 'Runaway Bride' had a 'Y-front piss splotch' 106% return. Oh well, only money. That's not going to stop these chumbags from making the same crap again and again.

The ending of this train wreck is what put this thing over the top though. Let's throw in a Fed Ex commercial with the companies catchphrase spoken by a supporting actor... AND a montage worse than that seen at the ending of 'Frequency' (2000). If you haven't seen *that* movie, it's more effective than a high colonic.

Some advice to help you through these times:
“People have been saying that the red KoolAid and the blue KoolAid is laced with brown acid that’s poison. Cool it. It’s not poison – it’s just badly manufactured. Stay horizontal and hydrated, and you’ll be cool.”