Batman Begins (2005)
Movie: 'Batman Begins'
Genre: Comicbook enterprise
Rating: 8.5/10
I didn't expect anything short of at least some kind of improvement over 'Batman Forever' or 'Batman and Robin', whatever the hell they were called. With the bat nipples and the bat-ski thingy and the Schwarzenegger that looked like he just stepped off the set of a Japanese soda pop ad. I mean, those were bad. So, so bad. Only not the kind so atrociaously bad that it's fun, like 'Plan 9 from outer Space' or 'Showgirls'. The kind of bad that's Just plain embarrassing and fills you with Elliot Smith sadness.
I reserve this catagory for Star Wars episodes I & II, which were a couple of shit sandwiches. The Marketing campaign drove the masses into a frenzy, "This is the One! This is the one that will make it worth having to watch the other two!'. They Believed, they wanted it so badly, they knew it to be true. Lucas had stoned them into such a bleeding mass and they knew they would become healed and rejuvinated by the Rapture that was known as 'Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith'.
And then it happened. It hit the screen. It made $50,000,000 in one day. And the midnight fanatics rejoiced. 'All is well, the movie has brought balance back to our troubled world.", "That was maybe the best Star Wars ever", "Ð4r7h V4d3r W007!!!!!". So I went to see it, knowing that it was going to suck. And that it was to be a bad bad dirty thing.
A lot of people say 'Yeah, but there's so much more awesome compared to those other two'. Friends, that's like comparing a shit sandwich to a shit sandwich with cheese. Can we please have a moment for all those who worked on this slop heap. The vfx work, the prop and set production, the dude who holds the reflective ball for the fx boys. Please, a somber tribute to the skilled craftmanship that was sunk by the screenplay and direction of Mr. George Lucas. *cue Elliot Smith music* And to all the Australian set workers who built those gorgeous sets, thinking they'd get their name in the credits to impress their kids. They sure did:
"A special thanks to the Australia Construction Crew"... That was it. For the entire crew. Now their kids think they are fakes and hate them.
The movie went down in a pillar of flame that decimated the 2,200 fx shots entangled in the storyline*. But a new creature arose from the charred debris. They are known as the 'Star Wars Apologists', and lo, their numbers are great. Having invested so much of themselves into the Star Wars dynasty, they cannot be swayed from their insistance that Episode III is a good movie. It's best not to approach these creatures, they are almost always indistinguishable from the 'normies'. But when cornered, their defensive instincts are cunning, baffling and powerful. Early stages of agression involve the emition of vacuous trivia and wet hot spittle. It's downhill from there. Walk away.
Enough with that god damn tangent. See how Lucas is compromising the structure of society? Damn. That fool just wasted another 10 minutes of my life. One day I'm gonna collect that *plus* interest. Chineck Bitch. You don't know how I roll.
What I'm getting around too, is the hoopla that surrounded this movie. I flat out refused to have anything to do with that. I'm an evolved primate. I know how to use tools and I know how to stay away from big budget cesspools. So the same people I know went to see it and came out declaring it was 'the one', 'the best', 'b4tm4n 1$ th3 t1t$'. I called bullshit, and planned on going to the new Miyazaki movie. But an old friend called and invited me to this inevitable disaster. So, somehow I ended up at the theater waiting for the battyness to descend.
You know what? Fuck me if that wasn't a good movie. There was no opening title sequence, so don't sit there expecting one, like I did. I thought Nolan was gonna pull an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' (2004) thing on us. Where the credits don't start till 20 minutes into the movie. But, there aren't any, so relax and enjoy this thing.
The got together an incredible cast for this movie, and the cast gives an extraordinary performance for a comicbook movie. Maybe better than 'Superman II' (1980). We have Katie Holmes (pre-Cruise) giving what is likely to be her last good perfomance. We also got some Liam Neeson (this guy is good, forgiving Episode I), Michael Caine (How's it feel acting *under* the top there Michael? Keep it up), Morgan Freeman (add this guys voice to a movie and it'll make money: Shawshank, Million Dollar Baby, etc.), Gary Oldman (a frickin' chameleon as Commissioner Gordon), (Cillian Murphy, I'm always impreses with the american accents these kids can pull off).
This thing actually had a story. It made sense. It was kinda plausable in a 'Enter the Dragon' kinda way. Not like mutant 'tards like poison ivy and mr. Freeze. The effects were brilliant, kudo's to 'Moving Picture' on that one. Story plot points seperated, intertwined, and came back together again. Amazing. Remember back when, when that was expected?
I also liked the little things that nobody but fanboys would pick-up on. In this case it was the scars of 'Zsasz' visable in a courtroom scene. Just like seeing Kitty Pryde, Jubilee, Iceman, and Colossus around the school grounds in 'X-men'. Just a little something to let the fanboys feel special. Or, more likely, hear them sayin', "Dude, Colossus was totally in that one scene, aw man, you gotta go see it again."
Only complaint is the one I've heard from a few people already. The edits on the fighting scenes were bad enough to scar this flick. Just a little. *Another* half-second close-up of a fist mashing a hoodlum? Really? Another one? Can I see who that fist belongs to? O.k... maybe the whole arm at least? I'm not talking about when he's jusst yanking people in the shadows, because that was awesome. That's what the Batman does. The full out brawls, however, were edited poorly. Ain't it a shame?
Also, the train reminded me of that episode of the Simpsons where the traveling salesman sells 'em a Monorail:
"Where you sent here by the devil?
No, good sir, I'm on the level."
That song tickles me.
So there we have it: Great movie. A bit of a clumsy ending. One lady in the audience yelled "Why!?', three times.
Because it's a franchise, you circus monkey. Go do your circus thing out on the front lawn with your handlers.
I'd put this one on par or better than Burton's 1st Batman with Keaton and Nicholson. I'm sure this is gonna be a hot topic when the apologists run out of people who'll listen.
And, last but not least... Crispin Glover *is* the 'Joker' in the next Batman. Blow it all the fuck out. You only live once. Seriously, crap your pants and start pushing things over. This is the greatest news since Drew Barrymore decided to pose in Playboy (she was way hot back when I was a softmore in '92, sample a few 'Guess Ads' for confirmation).
---
Final question/survey: Who would win in a fight between Batman and a Polar Bear? No Utility Belt, just Bruce Wayne vs. a large angry Polar Bear.
* Please see the following website that best explains my feelings of Episode III: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=episode3
Genre: Comicbook enterprise
Rating: 8.5/10
I didn't expect anything short of at least some kind of improvement over 'Batman Forever' or 'Batman and Robin', whatever the hell they were called. With the bat nipples and the bat-ski thingy and the Schwarzenegger that looked like he just stepped off the set of a Japanese soda pop ad. I mean, those were bad. So, so bad. Only not the kind so atrociaously bad that it's fun, like 'Plan 9 from outer Space' or 'Showgirls'. The kind of bad that's Just plain embarrassing and fills you with Elliot Smith sadness.
I reserve this catagory for Star Wars episodes I & II, which were a couple of shit sandwiches. The Marketing campaign drove the masses into a frenzy, "This is the One! This is the one that will make it worth having to watch the other two!'. They Believed, they wanted it so badly, they knew it to be true. Lucas had stoned them into such a bleeding mass and they knew they would become healed and rejuvinated by the Rapture that was known as 'Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith'.
And then it happened. It hit the screen. It made $50,000,000 in one day. And the midnight fanatics rejoiced. 'All is well, the movie has brought balance back to our troubled world.", "That was maybe the best Star Wars ever", "Ð4r7h V4d3r W007!!!!!". So I went to see it, knowing that it was going to suck. And that it was to be a bad bad dirty thing.
A lot of people say 'Yeah, but there's so much more awesome compared to those other two'. Friends, that's like comparing a shit sandwich to a shit sandwich with cheese. Can we please have a moment for all those who worked on this slop heap. The vfx work, the prop and set production, the dude who holds the reflective ball for the fx boys. Please, a somber tribute to the skilled craftmanship that was sunk by the screenplay and direction of Mr. George Lucas. *cue Elliot Smith music* And to all the Australian set workers who built those gorgeous sets, thinking they'd get their name in the credits to impress their kids. They sure did:
"A special thanks to the Australia Construction Crew"... That was it. For the entire crew. Now their kids think they are fakes and hate them.
The movie went down in a pillar of flame that decimated the 2,200 fx shots entangled in the storyline*. But a new creature arose from the charred debris. They are known as the 'Star Wars Apologists', and lo, their numbers are great. Having invested so much of themselves into the Star Wars dynasty, they cannot be swayed from their insistance that Episode III is a good movie. It's best not to approach these creatures, they are almost always indistinguishable from the 'normies'. But when cornered, their defensive instincts are cunning, baffling and powerful. Early stages of agression involve the emition of vacuous trivia and wet hot spittle. It's downhill from there. Walk away.
Enough with that god damn tangent. See how Lucas is compromising the structure of society? Damn. That fool just wasted another 10 minutes of my life. One day I'm gonna collect that *plus* interest. Chineck Bitch. You don't know how I roll.
What I'm getting around too, is the hoopla that surrounded this movie. I flat out refused to have anything to do with that. I'm an evolved primate. I know how to use tools and I know how to stay away from big budget cesspools. So the same people I know went to see it and came out declaring it was 'the one', 'the best', 'b4tm4n 1$ th3 t1t$'. I called bullshit, and planned on going to the new Miyazaki movie. But an old friend called and invited me to this inevitable disaster. So, somehow I ended up at the theater waiting for the battyness to descend.
You know what? Fuck me if that wasn't a good movie. There was no opening title sequence, so don't sit there expecting one, like I did. I thought Nolan was gonna pull an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' (2004) thing on us. Where the credits don't start till 20 minutes into the movie. But, there aren't any, so relax and enjoy this thing.
The got together an incredible cast for this movie, and the cast gives an extraordinary performance for a comicbook movie. Maybe better than 'Superman II' (1980). We have Katie Holmes (pre-Cruise) giving what is likely to be her last good perfomance. We also got some Liam Neeson (this guy is good, forgiving Episode I), Michael Caine (How's it feel acting *under* the top there Michael? Keep it up), Morgan Freeman (add this guys voice to a movie and it'll make money: Shawshank, Million Dollar Baby, etc.), Gary Oldman (a frickin' chameleon as Commissioner Gordon), (Cillian Murphy, I'm always impreses with the american accents these kids can pull off).
This thing actually had a story. It made sense. It was kinda plausable in a 'Enter the Dragon' kinda way. Not like mutant 'tards like poison ivy and mr. Freeze. The effects were brilliant, kudo's to 'Moving Picture' on that one. Story plot points seperated, intertwined, and came back together again. Amazing. Remember back when, when that was expected?
I also liked the little things that nobody but fanboys would pick-up on. In this case it was the scars of 'Zsasz' visable in a courtroom scene. Just like seeing Kitty Pryde, Jubilee, Iceman, and Colossus around the school grounds in 'X-men'. Just a little something to let the fanboys feel special. Or, more likely, hear them sayin', "Dude, Colossus was totally in that one scene, aw man, you gotta go see it again."
Only complaint is the one I've heard from a few people already. The edits on the fighting scenes were bad enough to scar this flick. Just a little. *Another* half-second close-up of a fist mashing a hoodlum? Really? Another one? Can I see who that fist belongs to? O.k... maybe the whole arm at least? I'm not talking about when he's jusst yanking people in the shadows, because that was awesome. That's what the Batman does. The full out brawls, however, were edited poorly. Ain't it a shame?
Also, the train reminded me of that episode of the Simpsons where the traveling salesman sells 'em a Monorail:
"Where you sent here by the devil?
No, good sir, I'm on the level."
That song tickles me.
So there we have it: Great movie. A bit of a clumsy ending. One lady in the audience yelled "Why!?', three times.
Because it's a franchise, you circus monkey. Go do your circus thing out on the front lawn with your handlers.
I'd put this one on par or better than Burton's 1st Batman with Keaton and Nicholson. I'm sure this is gonna be a hot topic when the apologists run out of people who'll listen.
And, last but not least... Crispin Glover *is* the 'Joker' in the next Batman. Blow it all the fuck out. You only live once. Seriously, crap your pants and start pushing things over. This is the greatest news since Drew Barrymore decided to pose in Playboy (she was way hot back when I was a softmore in '92, sample a few 'Guess Ads' for confirmation).
---
Final question/survey: Who would win in a fight between Batman and a Polar Bear? No Utility Belt, just Bruce Wayne vs. a large angry Polar Bear.
* Please see the following website that best explains my feelings of Episode III: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=episode3
posted by Kong at
11:55 AM
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